Posthumous need of mine...........

I narrowly missed an accident today.....i was miraculously saved.......

As i heard screeching of tires and the involuntary gasps from my co passengers, my body felt those ominous vibrations passing through my limbs, it was just a matter of fact that i was waiting for a heavy load to bump me off..........It didnt happen though....i slowly gathered myself and dared to open my eyes.... vehicle was still stirring and so was i..... i was saved....only by inches....

I am a natural worrier so i had to wonder what if...................and a long trail of questions emitted from my brains......in similar fashion as an able magician pulls out a chain of handkerchiefs from his pockets......the only difference here was the color.....my thoughts were blazing dark in the wake of the accident which could have killed me.....but it didnt!!

what if i had died on the spot???????????????????

"we will observe 2 minutes of silence for our valuable 'resource' which is no longer with us " my company HR would pronounce (shit!! where do i find another "resource" for her replacement now??? couldnt she die when she was on bench.....***** )

meanwhile a gal 'resource' and a guy 'resource' are taking advantage of the "two free minutes" and checking each other out.......standing in a secluded corner, their fingers intertwined......they bless my soul....*feels good*

my PM had hurriedly checked if i had finished my earlier tasks....my co-dependent colleagues would check if i have checked in all my documents back in VSS.....meanwhile my TL is cursing me hell cause she will have to train the new 'resource' now.....how sad and unfair!!! why do people die so fallaciously....

my other colleagues who eventually turned my friends despite of my rudeness, frankness, high headiness etc etc are still numb not to find me there at my desk, typing feverishly as if keyboard keys were my clients....hitting them as bad as i can for the sheer dumbness their US soil thrust upon them ....
they wouldnt observe Two minutes of silence....the best reward a 'resource' can expect posthumously....cause they know me...they know silence was not what i liked when i was around them....
silence was reserved only when i was brooding, when i was not my own self.....
One of them is cursing himself for shouting at me the other day to keep my Pod on minimum possible decibels cause he was getting irritated by the buzzing sound emanating from my headphones......now thats gone.....the buzz is replaced by numb silence..so uncharacteristically me......there isnt anyone else who would listen music like i did.
The other one stared at the blank computer screen ahead of him.........i had requested him to write a testimonial for me....which he couldnt and now he will never be able to.....he gingerly clicked on the 'Scraps'....all the Wanna be my frendzzzz scraps were replaced by mourning words.......
one of my snaps glared at him.... he turned his head to look away......

will that one moment when i am no more can bless me the much wanted feeling of being wanted by others???? so very opposite to when i was alive to cry for those who didnt care two hoots for me....and to dump those who cared for no one except me....

as i wonder very often, will my worth be known to all once i am departed permanently never to come back......and well, vice versa????

there had been times when i was downright rude cause i took offense to things i shouldnt have....
there had been times when i was at my uncooperative best cause i had difficulty....
i was cranky and upset, without caring for their mood or happiness, i had snapped at them ruthlessly....
and still i was expecting them to miss me......what for??? i dont know......

u dont miss a person like this!!!! you dont feel half hearted after not finding such a person around.....deep down u are relieved and i dont want people to feel relieved of their burden when i am gone....
i want them to feel sad, even if its for a moment....
i want them to question God for what fate he chose for me.....
i want that silence coming from within....than just for the sake of observing it.....

and for all this, i have to be good, honestly good and not the diplomatic version of mine......

well, will try........

1 comment:

  1. Wow Himmi...that was one deep post...kinda scared me as well! You write well! xx

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