I should be working on creating a presentation right now. or responding to an email & yet again, I find my thoughts drifting away from work.
Earlier they would say 'clock is ticking'. Now I say 'Facebook is ticking'. No, really!
Every day it's feed reminds me of all the important milestones, appropriate for my age as deemed by society, that I have missed. That could be my 'half empty' mindset right now or the winter blues. God knows! but I see weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, baby announcements, sentimental messages going from one spouse to another & I suddenly feel old. very old. A lot older than my physical age. I also feel 'spent'. Does that make sense? to me it does. It feels as if I have crossed the age barrier when I should have done those damn things, when I should have said those damn words.
It wouldn't bother me a bit few years ago. I was the mean one to tell people to go and get a room everytime I saw a wife leaving messages on facebook for her husband who is, may be, sitting at the other end of sofa. I never thought it was playful. Now I do.
Of all the announcements, the ones that I read & go awww over are the baby announcements.
I was always maternal. ever since I remember, I have liked being around kids. younger, the better! there is no pretence, there is no motive. Its unadulterated fun & laughter & wishes & love. A straight acceptance. They like you or they don't. And they are not afraid to tell you so on your face. There is no drama. I have also gotten around them famously. I can count the instances on my fingers when a kid has not responded kindly to my smile. They smile back, almost always! May be, I look funny but hey, I can live with that too ;)
and I digrace!
So, I have always wanted to have a kid. Funny enough, I have never felt as strongly about marriage or husband. My roommates can vouch for this. We have spent hours talking about new borns, kids & their tantrums, how it's a life turning event not only for the mother but also for the daddy dearest. I have enjoyed arranging baby showers more than birthday parties. I have loved watching pregnancy journals & documentaries. Nat Geo's 'In The Womb' is my all time favorite. I still watch it sometimes & feel the goosebumps all over my body every time that tiny little girl is being delivered & then the shrill cries. I have read 'What to expect when you are expecting' cover to cover. And chances are, I can explain preeclampsia to you as expertly as an Ob-Gyn nurse would do (no, I wouldn't go as far as comparing myself to a doctor). I can also spare you midwife consulting charges and explain all the birthing choices you have as a pregnant woman.
Basically, I dig everything about babies. The process & the product :)
Many have told me it's because I don't have any of my own ;) I get it. The sleepless nights, the diaper duties, the terrible twos & those long supermarket bills. But I am sure when your child leans over on your shoulder after a tiring day, when they get all sleepy eyed and just collapse on your lap, when they cant contain their excitement at something very mundane & want to tell you everything about it, when they curl their tiny little fingers around your finger, when their head bobs on tiny necks they cant yet support, their toothless smiles, their first steps & first schoolride alone, their hollow cries & dramatic demands, their blind faith that you could solve every damn issue in this universe, I am sure you feel good. You feel great!
Even when I am caught up in the rat-race called indian IT (yes, there is a special brand called INDIAN IT), I have always pictured myself with a baby. It's just I never saw myself old enough to have one! But these days, all I see on my Facebook feed are birthing announcements & I go hrmhhh...; don't get me wrong here! I am tremendously happy for the lucky parents and their young ones but I can't help but feel a slight twinge of envy. No, I am not jealous but I am envious.
So is it the peer pressure? Is it about comforming to rules of being a woman? Nope. I am caught somewhere between pro-choice & pro-life but incline more towards pro-choice at times. It's a woman's body & her life & therefore it's her right to decide whether or not to borne a child. I am not one of those who think it all must be done and a child must be had. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's all about how you feel & most importantly what you want. If a child isn't that, I am not going to judge you just because you belong to the fairer of the sexes.
I long to have a baby - by birth or by adoption. So yes, a few years down the line if I am not what they call 'settled', I will think about adopting one. One that will be mine & mine only. One that does not have to leave with their moms at the end of the day. One whose chubby cheeks I can squish as much as I want without having to care for what their mom might think. One I can chase around the playgrounds. One whom I can introduce to the ultimate pleasure of this life - being able to read & visualize the world through those pages. One that I can take around with me to travel the world. One that I can spend unending nights worrying about. One who I can send to the poshest of schools. One who will live a childhood I never had. One who will grow into a person I could not. One that will not have to live in a cruel, mean and selfish world. One who will love me no matter how boring, how ugly, how old, how grumpy or how poor I get.
So yes, I know Facebook is ticking but that's fine for now. I have a plan :)