The Spring when I shall belong..

I write this post in the middle of office work that I have procastinated enough already... but then thoughts jam my head & I am not able to concentrate on the task at hand anyway.. so I open my long neglected blog...

I am in London & its a case of unreal expectations may be but the city has not warmed upto me yet. Possibly because I am not yet communicating with it. I am lost in a faraway land of States, comparing my experiences of that land with this land & then wallowing in misery.

The Tube here reminds me of 'T' in Boston. London Bridge reminds me of Memorial Drive of the same city. The buildings here take me back home, to Churchgate - an area of my beloved Mumbai also built by British when they ruled India. The buses here, though far more in numbers and far more useful in their frequency, remind me of DART of Dallas. The fallen leaves as I walk down to office everyday, remind me of the Fall of New Hampshire. The cold reminds me of when I vacationed in New Mexico once. That -12 degrees centigrade, I thought was the chilliest I would ever experience in my life and yet a paltry 2 degrees here make me shiver just as bad. Every time, I cross the road here, I remember how flabbergasted I was in NYC and embarrassed too when it took me 15 minutes to cross a road near Battery Park. Being a Mumbai girl, that was a skill I was very proud of! The Off-Licenses here scare me just as much as 7-11s did back in Dallas. Everything shuts down by 6PM. I get it, people here work just to make a living. They spend more time enjoying life than making a way for it but that's still awefully early for the Mumbai girl that I am. That's something I associate it with dullness. Sigh!

The Christmas here was subtle to a point that it almost did not exist. Barring the long queue of cars outside the Church just down the road, nothing seemed Christmacy.. I walked in vain for hours, hoping to meet at least one stranger with kindness in their eyes who would say hello, Merry Christmas to me but found none. The front lawns were as unkempt and undecorated as they were before Christmas.. I was so sad that I decided to buy a ready made cake mix from a store & bake a cake to feel normal again. The cake turned out photogenic but too flour-y to my taste - another dampner.

But its not all that bad. I don't have Barnes & Noble or Borders every couple of blocks here but I have lovely charity shops run by volunteers - some of the nicest strangers I met so far. They let you go through the books for hours. Books that I would buy for a throwaway sum. I can see a huge pile next to my bed, I can see books everywhere in my room by the time I have to leave this city & this time, I don't have to go too far. These books, my books will go back on the same shelfs once again to make another lonely girl like me happy while they were there.

I know the reason by now. Its not the city that's not talking to me. It's me who is far too busy comparing States with Kingdom that I have closed my eyes and mind shut to new experiences. Work is not helping either. Bonding with colleagues has now become an 'exercise' because no matter how friendly I get, the lead in me is too threatening it seems for them to feel that way.

I wish this feeling of helplessness, the feeling of being stuck in a wrong place goes away with the cold. I wish I can put a lid on my feelings stuck in US & open a new compartment in my head & heart for London. Back in US, I was cribbing for a good enough Public Transportation to be able to explore more, to head out more & here while I have it available, there is no will to get out or explore. I hope it comes back with spring & the leaves on the naked trees.

I have always loved cold & winters but now I am desperately waiting for the spring!

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