The US Travelogues - Heart Attack that nearly happened

Hell with them! i am not even going to put a disclaimer for why I am writing a complaining post about US yet again!

Today morning when i opened my Bank Of America online page to see how much i have been slaving here in the foreign land for....i nearly had an heart attack...

This is (a big blah!) a security procedure where they put an account under review for all its incoming and outgoing transactions. (dont think i am smuggler or something. i want to ask why me!)
and then they make Account Balance this haphazard.

Its more like a Stress Test for Heart than a darn security procedure!!!!!!!

They can freeze the account, send a mail to the account holder or call! Give some prior notice to the poor account holder who might have never seen such a huge amount in dollars before (+ve/-ve does not matter!)

I so wanted to sue the BOA (anyways US is the most sue-happy country) but i dont have money even to sue them!

I want to see my account going back to the miniscule size as soon as possible.
Paisewale Bappa sun raha hai na tu! :(

- Himali

The US Travelogues - The Broken Key

I know, you wont believe it after my third post in row that it was not on my agenda to write about US in such undisguised complaining manner but things that have happened to me in US so far can be categorized as either Embarrassing, Exhausting, Frustrating or Boring.

What happened today is however special because it can be categorized under all of the above.! ;)

The day i was deemed Bachelor of Engineering in Electronics by Mumbai University, I was half independent and was almost walking four inches above the ground.
The day i cleared my first ever interview in Patni Computers, i was three fourth independent and was on cloud nine.
The day i flew over to US on an Air India plane, i was well above the cloud, physically and mentally.

I was going to be cent percent indepedent. I will have house of my own (however rented) and my own Car (though i cant drive to save my neck!) and my own saving (for the extravaganza called wedding that would take place two years from now). I will cook myself (however life threatening that might sound), i will take my own decisions (whether to buy Roma Tomatoes or simple assorted tomatoes, A pack of 6 toilet rolls or 24!!! BLAH)

It didnt happen the way it was planned.

I am as far from being independent as Earth is from Sloan Galaxy - a whopping 13 Billion Light Years!!
I can not move around without a car. I so wanted to visit Barnes & Noble ( i know its just a book shop but book shops are to me what a candy shop is to a kid) so i risked my precious life and crossed 3 free ways tp get there.
I loved eating at Swapna Indian Cuisine at Cumberland Pkwy but couldnt go there unless someone else wanted to cause i bloody freaking cant drive!!

I had never felt so handicapped before in my life. I am born and brought up in Bombay. Like any other town girl i am used to be on my own from early age. Taxi-Train-BEST-Walk. i never needed a car of my own even if it was there at my disposal. I never had to put people in sticky spot by nudging them into offering me a ride in their car.
I never had to keep tab on who was moving out when so that i could hurridely pack my bags and wait for them near their cars so that they would not feel even more embarrassed by forgetting that i was supposed to be called before leaving. I would rather be embarrassed myself!

This was still OK till the time it was me and my roomies. Today this dependency of mine (or rather ours) dragged Nilesh in a rather costly mess.
We needed a ride to Bank of America which is just a stones throw away from our place (By American standards, when they drive at around 40 miles/hr). We thought to walk our way to the bank but its blazing in Dallas. Its 102 F outside and we care for our future husbands and wanted to keep our complexion at its minimum best (#$%%^) so we thought to request Nilesh to drop us off. He generously agreed.

We reached Bank of America when they were six minutes to close down all tellers. We sorried (as is customery in US even if you step on your own feet and howl in pain!!). A teller welcomed me and my cheque was deposited in less than a minute with absolutely no paperwork (Plus he didnt give me Its-Nearly-The-Time-We-Left-What-The-Hell-Were-You-Doing-Earlier look thats guarenteed in India even if you reach when there is still time for Bank to close.)

We were done in fifteen minutes. Went outside as we saw Nilesh driving back to the parking lot. He was searching grounds and we first thought he had dropped his monies but he hadnt. The car key - The Ignition Key to be precise was broken. The Darn-Moronic-Idiotic key was not only broken but a major chunk was jammed inside the ignition. Nilesh looked harried with key. We looked harried with our own bad luck.

Our plan was all set.

- Finish off work in Bank of America.
- Invade Indian Grocery shop for Rice (that didnt feel like glue while eating) and Tur Dal.
- Getting lost in Walmart to shop for absolute necessities.
- Go back home and play Sonu Nigam - KK - Falguni Pathak - Shakira - Linkin Park - Himesh Reshamiya (Ashiq banaya aapne only!) etc on full blast while we chattered, ate.
- Take a long afternoon siesta.
- Groggily wake up and cook elaborate dinner (Jira Rice, South Indian Speciality Sambhar, Mix Vegetables, Papad) for the party that was called for dinner tonight (and who very nervously and adventurously had agreed)

We tried pinning out the jammed remainings of the key which turned futile after some time. (It is atleast not as easy as removing dirt from your ears using earbuds!ewww)

So went the phone lines busy and a whole party turned up at Bank of America. Leon, Chelsea, Suhail, Sajid, Abdul (and after an extended invitation, Sachin)
They got toolbox with them and we thought it was manageble with so many drive-crazy people but it wasnt.
We were standing in scorching sun and so were all the guys. Each one of them tried their own trick which did not work.
Me, Devi and Shyamu looked at each other and shared a Bakra-about-to-be-minced look. We had managed to rub our bad luck off on the car and its darned key. Keys get lost, Keys get locked in, Keys are left behind but keys dont break into two pieces!!! not in US of A atleast! :(

We settled ourselves on the green well kept (before our behinds touched it) lawn. We had no other choice.
If the sun had to fry us, let it fry the whole of us or else we would have ended up looking like Ross when his Tan went wrong in Missisipi One, Mississipi Two. Lolz.

Meanwhile Chelsea saved the day for us and turned from a sober & coy child into a pink charmer. We played around with her for quiet some time. Her pink toy lawn mower was cute.(was it vaccum cleaner.. god knows). We shooed away bugs, clapped, ate french fries, drank Coke (thanks to Devi & Shyamu)
and then we did what every and i mean every average Indian does at the first strike of opportunity. We played Antakshari in our kept-for-the-best-occassion voices. We dished out songs after songs as if we were stranded on a beautiful island and were getting paid for it.

Meanwhile Goras were coming in and out of the Bank ATM and giving us rather reproachful looks. Guys didnt notice because they were busy
- Discussing why and how the key must have broken.
- Calling Mechanic who was overbooked no less than Tom Cruise.
- Calling him names as he asked them random stupid questions.
- Checking out hot american babes using bank ATM. ( an Oasis in the desert of having a broken car and three moronic girls sitting crosslegged on grass and singing Tu-Tu-Tu-Tutu-Tara as loudly as humanly possible)

There were few Indians who came, gave us withering Thats-Why-Indians-Are-Looked-Down-Upon look and left in their Volkswogen (May God turn your Cars into Salvage on your next Carfax!!)
As bird of same feather i expected them to atleast ask what was wrong if not flock together! But they did not.

We were in picnic mood and songs were literally gushing out of us as if the urge of playing Antakshri was supressed by the so called American rightousness. As we started getting more and more such atrocious looks from Indians and Americans alike we turned even more rebellious and sang the Bihari-est songs that we could recall... ( Naam kya hai.. pyar ka mara..Ghar ka pata do - Dil hai tumhara Kya karte Ho..Tumse Pyar with all the sound effects we could portray)

One good thing that happened was that i learned a whole babysitting process. Right from giving into their kido demands, playing boo-boo with them, feeding them food, making them drink without spilling the whole thing on them or choking them, Taking them to Bathroom, Crooning and rocking them to sleep etc etc.
Felt almost motherly. I have promised Chelsea that next time she visits my place, i would apply nailpaint to her kiddy nails and toenails. Lets see when i can fulfill that.

Had to walk atleast half a mile before we could see a darn waste-bin to get rid of garbage with us.

Had Nilesh not suppose to pay $75 (if only key is faulty) or $250 (if Ignition needs to change) and half the indian population at Frankford trying to rescue us, it would have looked very comical the way the divide was - very Indian, very Gender specific, Very comical if not too frustrating.
The Aurat Jaat i.e. Me Devi and Shyamu sitting on lawn, feeding Chelsea, playing with her while singing outrageous hindi songs inbetween and The Mard Jaat i.e. Nilesh, Sajid, Abdul, Sohail, Leon, Sachin fixing the Car.

All the guys very gentelmanly suggested for us to leave while offering a car that would drive us to home but we refused. We had very perfectly managed to align our dimwitted planets with theirs so we would rather be together and face the frustration all the same. ( I am sure guys wanted us to stop singing so shamelessly and crudly and leave them alone in peace to decide the further action plan)

Finally we all left the poor car in the parking lot as mechanic had agreed to show up at 10.30 to fix it up. As we stepped in we three were feeling same i guess. (have not confirmed this with either Devi or Shyamu but still)

- It was a beautiful Saturday completly ruined as we reached home at around 8 in the night.
- Afternoon siesta was spent in Rice Box opening Fortune Cookies.
- Everyone had forgotten about the dinner we had planned tonight (ofcourse it was the lesser evil of the two)
- We were frustrated at our dependency and to what level we could drag those who offered to help us in the rut that our bad luck puts us into time to time.

We have said sorry before and its heartfelt. We felt sad for Nilesh more than we felt for ourselves.
so (if this helps) i would like to offer a public apology to all those who came to rescue us for the fateful call that i made this morning to have Nilesh drop us at BOA.

Sorry Guys and Thanks!

The US Travelogues - Boredom

i know you guys might be wondering about when you can see a cheerful word next to my customery 'The US Travelogues' but believe me the current situation do not inspire me to use any of those...


So i am in Atlanta for two weeks. So i am bored. The training room where i sit everyday has a full wall french window right next to me. I can (thankfully) look outside.
Most of the times its sunny. I feel like discarding my sweater and go out for a walk but i just cant.
I am playing role of a QA Administrator and tracker. Big bold terms. in short i am suppose to play a supervisor to all the business users who will be playing around with the application to see what results it gives back. they call it testing. i frown even without realizing it. This is NOT testing. they are checking if system does what its suppose to do. a tester is also suppose to check if system does what it should not do.

I almost go teary eye and frizzy haired while explaining this to helpless users who just simply cant fathom why they are expected to break their system. I do. so i give them example of lockbox and receipt creation. they nodd their heads in understanding and i feel reassured but only for next minute or so.

Next time when i am going through their testplans, i see blanks for all negative test cases and i repeat the circus. This happens atleast four to five times each day and i feel like shouting at top of my voice only once and for all for them to understand why testing is important and that they should take it seriously.

I dont blame them. They are frustrated. The age bracket here is that of 40-50. each one of them have been working on the 'dumb terminals' for all their career and as they say that the company matters, over this period of time they have come closed to becoming what their system is. Inflexible. They dont welcome Oracle even though it 'seems' more user friendly. Its pale blue screen with yellow mandatory boxes, neatly seen List Of Values, RED-YELLOW-GRAY-GREEN concurrent requests... every single thing is new to them and that baffles them.

There are sighs of dissapoitnment, murmurs of restlessness, exclaimation of surprise (oh we need to go for those many screens to arrive at this one!!!). Noone can remain oblivious to it. They havent had training on this new system and they are expected to know it as good as the back of their hand. They hate it so they take this testing or CRP 2 (Conference Room Pilot) less enthusiastically. Lunch time is a picnic and only solace for them because

- its company sponsered
- good for american testbuds
- it has what americans love big time - cheese in it on every single item. Be it Nachos, Pizzas, Chicken, Beef, Pork, Pasta, Salad, Rice, Cake. You name it and find cheese in it.


They discuss their families, travel, dogs, kids, neighbours, taxes, government (in the same order) during the lunch. Thats the only time when i see some excitement on their faces. otherwise it is screwed in concentration. Some of them come to me during meal times to ask me hows India doing (as if i am Sonia Gandhi and i know!). i look up from my cheesy plate and say 'spectacular'. they look into my eyes for the hint of sarcasm. when they dont find it, they laugh (on what they assume to be a joke) and move on.

One of these come to me one day to ask if i find the food too bland for my indian taste. I feel like crying cause yes it does. I am sick of cheese!!!! i nod yes. She goes and gets me a Tobasco sauce bottle hidden in her bag and tells me that her son loves spicy food so she always always keeps one in her bag. Now thats endearing. I say thanks with a heavy voice and resume eating.

but luckily with all that food, i do not feel sleepy. It keeps me awake instead of making me feel like dozzing off next to my laptop. I work some more, running CRP2-Open Issues report after every half a minute to see if any more issues have been logged. I sigh deeply with satisfaction as i see the count going up. One new added issue makes me update 6 different spreadsheet and takes upto half an hour for me to update in my system. That half an hour goes so nicely. I thank God for bugs. My face lights up but users cant seem to understand why or rather how should i feel happy when there is an issue. They give me a reproachful look. i do not bother to explain them about a tester's glory in bugs. Another revolution or century is what it might take for non-testers to understand how a tester thinks or feels. blah!


One of the guys is pot-bellied and looks grandpa-happyish all the time. He laughs very often...sometimes in the middle of a Defect Review Meeting breaking the silence and monotony of the room. His laughter makes me feel as if i am standing under a cascading waterfall... It falls so heavily on me...i dont know whether to laugh or cry..


Some time later, the manager, a hapless lady with bushy unruly hair comes in with a forlorn look on her face and i can sense the admonishing news already. Some system of the maha-system is not ready to be tested. i see some of them smiling while trying to hide it. i see some of them grinning openly. Do they not understand what the news implicates? they do but their short term gain is that they would get out of the wretched room sooner than they were told and that covers up the long term loss it would be if the system is not ready for a timely go live.


i see the manager reassuring people that the system would be ready in a day or two. She tells a (very) few concerned faces that they had anticipated this and has enough room on their schedule to accomodate the down time. The others yawn or look away. She stopps in her speech. I wonder if she is prepping herself for the next pep talk which is hard to come in such helplessly broken situation.


CRP2 is a failure. A complete failure PERIOD. all the major functionalities have massive bugs in them. they dont even need a QA to poke them so that they can collapse. They need a little nudge or a draught of wind to get it back on the earth. Many of the users find navigation difficult to by-heart. It would take practise. Months of hands-on. i want to tell them so but i keep quiet. The Americans need everything fast and simple. Unfortunately Oracle is complex. Its virtue of being flexible also makes it difficult but i am not suppose to have pep talk. I am this strict supervisor for them to check if they are doing their job properly. everytime i open my mouth to say something, they are scared as if i am going to tell them what lousy job they are doing. I dont. I am bored!

i wish people undertsood that projects fail! they really sometimes, despite of all the money it costs, inspite of all the efforts that were put in, irrespective of all the sincere intentions, they fail. The basic building blocks, the very foundation of this project, the design is shaky. Users break the 'experts' in pieces. They dont care how snazzy the system looks. They want return for their money, they dont get it, they shout and make their disapproval very very apprarant. Thats one thing about Americans. They do test how sporty you are. They would not sugar-coat their words. They are upfront and upright about things they want to say. What they do in the situations where they need to eat their own words you think? They just say sorry, put their hands up and thats it.


Its fourth day of testing today. percentage of completion is about 23%. Issues are growing like street dogs...abundantly and shamelessly. Noone can control them! i am tired of keeping the track. i crack my joints, i dig my fingers in, i draw up as many colors on my excel sheet to make it as colorful as i can.


Meanwhile i get some of the test case folders back so i get back to checking them if everyone has executed everything. i see few more failed testcases in one of the folders but i do not see Service Desk request logged against them so i go to the team and tell them to log the tickets so that it can be trated as a defect and can be discussed later on. They look disinterested and without speaking a word to me, go back to the Outlook and show me sent mails. i get confused. if they have sent mails, i should have been able to see the tickets on my log. i check again while they stare at me with What-do-u-know-kid attitude and challenge me to correct them. I feel sheepish. I feel like saying sorry but then a quick glance at their sent items and i (almost) smirk. I politely ask them to check the mail id. They have omitted U from Rexelusa.com. Mail is not sent. i do not see tickets. Now its my turn. i look at them with Kids-are-better-sometimes look.


Then is the highlighted point of the day that everyone is eagerly waiting for. The Defect Review Meeting (dub it as Mud Slinging Match)


There are three teams participating.

- Development
- The Business Users
- The IT Support group (five faces at the end of the rows - Me, three other managers and one training person)

Issues are discussed. Everyone tries to play pass-the-buck within and sometimes outside the team. Users feel exasperated with developers cause they dont understand why a simple change such that a field on a form prepped to take only the capital letters should take more than a week. Developers feel exasperated cause they dont understand why users want it that way. IT Support Group is exasperated because that seems to be the flavor of the moment. They get pulled up in the fight unceremoniously and are more often than not asked to pick sides. A difficult job for the managers but they make faces and ultimately pick one. The other side goes mute in silent protest. The meeting is often a playground for cold war. For someone like me who is not expected to participate but just observe from a safe distance, its flurry of activity after an extremely dull day. Feel amused and hence better! The AC on my head drones some more, washing me with ice cold air. I shiver but i cant budge from my place. I need to keep track of whats getting opened, whats getting closed, whats getting assigned to who, who is frustrated because of this.


Then in the end, i gather my laptop and bag and i get out in warm and pleasant sun. Its 5.30 in the evening. People who were just fighting with a cutthroat attitude wish each other good night and move away in their cars. I have 2 and half hours more of light to go out and check the surroundings. I thank God for bringing another day to an end. Fruitful or otherwise

US Travelogue - The clogged Toilet

So my dear dear folks.. whats the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear United States of America?
Skyscrappers, Zooming vehicles, Scantily clad girls (cant take that out for the guys who are reading), Smiling Americans, Confused Desis, Smooth Roads, Pedestrians actually following traffic rules, Men keeping the door open for the ladies (without ogling at them), The Green Dollar bills, The yankee accent...
i know the list is never ending...
The facination about USA is palpable in India. Few know where Amritsar is but everyone knows where America is.

so when my toilet clogged on my first Monday in The USA (yes. you read that correct.. its about my Toilet)
so when it clogged, i gave a call to my Leasing office and left for my office. Office is a funny place that defied all my notions about Americans being private people.I am hardly a week old in the office and i know every single detail about my american colleague's Bone Marrow Biopsy.. now now... i cant tell him what hypochondriac soul i am so i had to listen in cause he was apparantly telling it to someone on the phone without slightest botheration about the fact that all the four cubicles around him were noting down the details in case they needed one of those in future!!!
Whether or not i had the intention of listening to a medical procedure that i have seen 100 times in House MD on AXN and is shit scared of but i still had to listen and simultaneously work on Test Plan for Lockbox Matching in Oracle R12( thats never going to see the light of the day.)

so toilet.. yes so i left for the office bragging like any average Indian  Areee Ho jayega dekh aajke din me hi... This is USA not India.... Yes. I did make face!
I was so confident about Obama Government, that i didnt bother to call up the leasing office once again to check if they had cleared the mess...
I smirked, smirked and smirked some more on my way home and then The United States Of America and President Obama dissapointed me big time.
The Mess was still there... my precious toilet was still clogged.
We both looked at each other with hapless eyes.
1 - Our toilet was clogged to the hilt (i know quite graphic..sorry)
2 - We have only one toilet
3 - There is no place in vicinity where we could relieve ourselves (there are some cons of 'This is USA not India')
4 - Our neighbours are all guys and by the looks of it, they would have hid themselves in closets or worse ran away for an hour had we asked them if we could use their loo for all obvious reasons.

Toilet was clogged. No plumbers in vicinity so we super chicks thought of maha super idea and we went to our gym. Now Now...We did not have access card. Luckily one of our colleague cum friend was running on trademill. We didnt have phone to call him either so we waved,clapped, hooted, thumped...and then practically danced in front of the glass door so that he could see us and let us in. Yes finally we were noticed but by all americans. They looked at us with the same amusement that i had shown a few days back for the monkeys i saw on an African Safari in San Antonio. We made poor face and then this colleague of mine noticed us and finally we were in. We behaved in such a gentlewomanly way till all the occupants of the gym were in sight... the moment we saw toilets, we were so happy as if we had seen The White House.
We hi-fived and went in to find the toilet clogged and overflowing. YIKES! was the first and last reaction as we ran out. Americans were looking at us and at the room turn by turn and i would have laughed loudly had we werent the butt of joke!!

Next was the Swimming Pool. We circled it as if it was the sacred temple. We deliberated over using swimming pool as the toilet but poor kids were splashing in the water and decided against it.
found a shower room though but it was a shower room!!
no toilets inside, we both came out with sunken face and bloated tummies.
thats when our gym-colleague saw us and understood our problem... guys!! they can be so clever sometimes!
he then phoned his roomies and asked them to keep the toilet ready (whatever he meant by that)
we were embarrassed as hell and giggly too but finally we went to his place and its not wrong when they say that when you relieve yourself after an urgent need, the pleasure is next to that of an orgasm.

I cursed the entire community of plumbers in one go and the very famous 'inner voice' of mine mocked me for mocking at India a few hours ago.

1 My Toilet In India NEVER Clogged.
2 If it did, i just had to tell my neighbour aunty and she would have offered me a cup of chai on my way out of her toilet.
3 I could have got a plumber in less than half an hour even though he did not have a 'voicemail' and a 'car' (please read these two words in american accent to know how i felt after leaving three 'urgent' voicemails on my complex's plumber's phone)
4 I was not required to pay INR2500 (i.e. $50 with exchange rate of 50Rs per Dollar) for a stupid, moronic toilet cleaning.
5 In a bad scenario, i could have gone out in a mall, use their loo and come out fresh and clean..chakachak..without any hassle of begging for a car and then for a driver first. chalte jao..chalte aao..
6 In worst case scenario, i could have obtained a dabba and would have gone to Kurla's railway tracks or Vashi's mangroves!!!!

Thats why i say India is the Best...