The Nerdy Single & wait for it, Happy Me :)

It's been some time that i seriously sat down to write something, anything! Work is one excuse i can use. The other is the fear of ranting on a paper. That the moment i would start typing, all the frustration for the world around me and inside of me would start bleeding onto the paper and i didnt want it. I wanted to write in a state of mind that was more stable, less complaining!

After a day of yelling at a lot of people for different reasons, i feel stable enough at this hour when i am completely alone in my bed, ready to plop down on a pillow. I should have been this stable and calm when i was in fact yelling at those poor folks but sometimes it just happens. You dont want to be rude, you dont want to roll your eyes, you don't want to ignore people right on their pretty faces but you do. Something inside makes you do all that even when your upbringing and manners tell you its impolite. Doctors call them Hormones - Things that make you go bat crap crazy when gone haywire. The reason they go haywire is because of work induced stress. (some of my much married friends tell me its because i am not getting any 'action'. may be!). Today turned out to be one of those days where the Bus driver was definitely dilly-dallying the bus so that i would reach office late. I knew it the moment i hated those innocent faced kids being dragged by their mothers for school cause my bus was late and then it hit the school zone with its mandatory 20 miles per hour speed limit with double fines for the offenders! How could i hate kids! I love them! Something was definitely up then.

The frustration continued throughout the day. The things i would otherwise pay no attention to magically magnified themselves! So a snide comment about me vacationing alone, a passing remark about my single status all bothered me much more that what they should! Hell, am i not listening to this garbage for the better part of last 3 years!! So i am in United States of America - Supposedly a country that welcomes you with open arms and allows you to do whatever you want without anyone meddling their snooty noses in between but its not so. Why should it hurt so much now of all the times!

I counted one to ten. Then in reverse but my quota for patience was so over for everyone around, its scary! I am not an unreasonably irate person. Yes, i am not fond of every single living thing around me. Most manage to irritate me but i can still keep my face straight or even smile if i am feeling extra generous that day but i hardly ever show that irritation on face cause i know deep down, its not them, its me! Its my lack of sleep, lack of any routine, lack of me time, lack of reading and introspection time thats causing all that. All these wonderful people are being what they have always been. Its me that should take time out, in a corner, with back turned towards the world so that i can think calmly and then react. But sometimes it just doesnt happen!

So when i strode back home, earlier than useful, I saw the ultimate remedy to stabilize myself. Two sinks full of dishes, waiting for me to be done, welcoming me invitingly and no, i am not being sarcastic here. Its weird but doing dishes (the indian way, with all the bubbles of soaps flying around and water tap running incessantly to deafen any noise around) blankets me in calm that i hardly ever experience in a company of humans! Its therapeutic!

A warm and steaming cup of Indian Chai, complete with gingerroot and cardamom later, I was on with my studies for an important exam and lost myself in 'Triple Constraints'. Scope, Time, Cost, Quality and Customer Satisfaction. They are called Triple right, then why are they 5 in total! well, whatever. Time flew past and i was alright! Feeling so much better while the narrator on the slides droned on about BOK. As i finished the module with its 40 something pages and then ticked through Test that was a surprise and fared well enough, i realised how satisfied i felt. As if yelling at those clueless folks was utter waste of time. All i needed to calm down was to read, study and then test myself against a syllabus!

and to top it all of, i am reading a book by an Indian author, very poignantly written tale of an Indian girl, well raised in a southern village that is married off to an NRI doctor. Her trials and tribulations are keeping me wide awake when i should be sleeping. I am liking this Leila more than any human made of real flesh and bones. Her anger, her disappointments seem real even when i know i would never be in her position!
I am so stopping myself from hitting the last page button on my Kindle just to read what happens of her in the end. I feel more engrossed in reading this book than i ever feel while a real person is narrating their story.

And then it stuck me and stuck pretty hard. Have i turned into one of those introverted, nerdy, unsociable kinds that need no living being to make them happy, calm and satisfied?! Should i panic that i no longer need humans to make me feel useful, protected and accomplished?! I gave myself some time to see if the panic was slowly rising the way it normally does but it didnt. My brain was whirling just as much, taking in the complex words and terminologies. I felt just as composed and in control as before. So the fact is sealed now. Bring in the trumpets please - I am Nerdy, I am happy, alone and have never felt this better before!


  1. No need to panic .. Its the best thing to learn to be happy with just yourself !!

  2. Shamu - u are back to US. Number de. Aur ab tu bhi apna blog update kar.. :)

  3. Himali,
    I love doing the dishes for the exact same reason you mentioned. Cooking is my stressbuster. In the last 2-3 years most of my friends here moved into the mommy zone and then housewife zone and I realized I just don't connect with them anymore. I also got into a role at work that I immensely enjoy and is intellectually simulating and constantly challenges me. I used to be in touch with everyone, always the first to write mails and call - now I don't, I've changed - my reading, cricket discussions,work probably keep me very occupied - earlier I felt guilty now I don't. What matters is how happy you are with yourself period - I feel an awesome calmness in me that I never did before :)