No matter how old you get, your birthday remains one day where you want to be a kid again. You want your loved ones to indulge you in the frivolities. Blow the candles, make a wish (or may be two ;)), cut the cake, get it smothered on your face, laugh out loud with those who remembered the special day.
This also is the day to either count another year off your life or start looking forward to the dawning ahead...
A balance sheet that makes me take stock of what i gained, what i lost, what i beheld, what i let go, what made me smile, what made me cry... the list is endless. Accounting has a rule for balance sheets though. The Credit and The Debit should match at all times... but for the balance sheet of my life it seldom does :)
This year started on a very very disappointing note. A very good friendship was ruined for life in an effort to make it more than what it was worth. A hollow feeling that followed me with broken heart was terrifying. A brief patch of time when world was not worth living in, when every night i ended up sitting in my bed staring at the sky, when every day of life was a chore to accomplish, i lived because i was too scared of dying.
What followed next was a zealous wave of indifference. Me mattered the most, my happiness was the only goal. Quite noble but i was getting carried away with a false sense of freedom and wariness. Lost some more precious relations while mourning for one that was never meant to happen.
Slowly indifference was replaced with suspicion and paranoia. No one in the whole world was worth trusting with my life, my heart, my feelings or rather the lack of them.
But my Job saved me from the drag that threatened to end up in nothingness. My work became my savior. What i lacked in personal life was overcompensated in my professional one. Responsibilities and more responsibilities attached themselves to me happily. I was content.
What else was i looking for in my failed relationship afterall? a sense of belongingness and importance.
what a man and a so called relationship failed to give me, my job did. god! thats corny isnt it? ;) but may be its not. Work piled and so with it came recognition and a dependablity that others felt around me. I loved it when they called me indispensable. i was finally something that wasnt easy to replace for someone,be it just for my project team.
Slogged my ass off. My friends were busy partying, enjoying life, living it fullest. Some of them switched jobs, teased hell out of me for being "Patni loyal". Some stayed back with me cursing however ... i was busy writing bank transmission files manually but with almost the same accuracy of the bank machine. My eyes were for the numbers and they were for mine.
Life started and ended with office and work. Not that i was lackdaisical in my work ever..thats not my type but my determination to do better in life was met with the force within... a force that wanted to channelize itself for my betterment.. a force that was directed in an entirely wrong way earlier.. I was so engrossed in pleasing a man, pleasing the world that was wrapped around him that i had forgotten where my own happiness lay. It was like Arabian Night's story. Like the demon i believed or rather i liked to believe that my life was caged in a parrot. The demon would do anything to keep the parrot protected but caged. I did the same. I kept my own happiness caged in someone else's happiness. My job helped me break free.
And slowly but steadily i came out of the trauma... i am essentially a happy person who loves to laugh out loud and have merry times. Those original genes somehow refused to mutate into a sad and hopeless copy of theirs. Life came back to me with full force... Not that there werent moments of dejectedness or loneliness. I would often feel lonely in room full of chattering people but my work, my lovely colleagues, my friends...everyone helped me understand that being lonely was a state of mind that we ourselves put us into. Noone else or their absense can make you feel lonely if you dont accept it. and Whoa! i wasnt lonely at all... These people taught me that there is no point in keeping the eyes closed with a fear that a fleck of dust would make you cry...I opened my eyes and may be for the first time in my life learnt to appreciate true beauty of the people surrounding me... Their banters, their smiles, their chatter..everything was so full of zest that i was ready to get back on with my life... and i did!
I agree. I did not make any new friends this year but i learnt to appreciate those who i have.
I agree. I did not have a social life other than my office but even that taught me so much about the nuances of life.
I agree. I was scared to fall in love again but i finally did and it felt so beautiful as if i werent hurt ever. May be it was the time when i understood that when you love someone truly, madly, deeply you become strong but when someone loves you truly, madly, deeply, it gives you courage.
So this year was that not only made me strong but gave me lot of courage as well....
Just want to thank God for being so kind. He allowed me to make wrong choices and take risks but he gave me learnings worth all the trouble.
Now with this new year...i again have a hope and faith to live my life on my own terms, for my own happiness :)
Ambitiously Yours ;)
Most of the time when i am awake, my mind is abuzz with thousands of questions...some trivial, some philosophical, some mundane, some futuristic, some dwelling upon my past and some plain questions for no reason at all! one of such questions originated in my mind when i joined Patni as a fresher.. at 21, i was fresh out of college & managing day to day work was more than enough to keep a lot of questions away, this particular question then arose with respect to some of my female colleagues. Three years later, now, its no longer with respect to someone else...Now i face this question a lot myself & i cant feel any less amused or baffled. ( i know contradictory but thats my middle name ;))
why is it ok for a man to be ambitious, even ruthlessly so but its a huge put off for a woman to even think about it? Why is she termed as unfeminine if she is career oriented?
I receive a lot of incredulous looks when i say i am ambitious & i want to become VP of Patni's V&V Center of Excellence someday. i say so out of the confidence that i have it in me to get there. i am ready to put all my waking hours in my work & duties, to learn those extra special skills to become a good leader, a manager thereof. I am willing to keep my personal life on a side burner if not the back burner to be able to manage my professional space...and so on!
but it does not convince others.
Some think something is missing with me (may be a better chunk of brain ;)), some feel i am deviating from my natural maternal instincts (!), some wonder aloud if i come from a dysfunctional family to have such an aversion (?) towards a beautiful & universally acknowledged institution such as marriage(!!). some call me a machine devoid of feelings thats a pre-requisite of having a family. Some call me plain eccentric!
often i am tempted to give it back to them but i dont do it. Its wastage of time anyways.
our mental conditioning right from the time we are born is to believe that a man is the bread winner & the woman is for the family & home.
i would not challenge or question this age old belief cause this is what has made this world as balanced as it is today but then man has stopped being just the 'breadwinner' ages ago. Hasnt he?
He wants to excel in whatever he do. He is not merely satisfied with what he earns or what he conquers. There is always a demand for more, a competition for many. Sky is the limit!
Woman has also left her house to earn the butter for her breadwinner's bread... is it wrong now for her to think a little ahead & want to do better for herself?
Those who think that a better chunk of my brains is missing, i want to tell that its not missing. Its busy working on something thats so much more important than an inane discussion about my future that has to be as a woman!
For those who think i am deviating...well i am not! my maternal instincts are pretty much alive & kicking when i am around kids. I play with them, i spoil them rotten, i be a good 'maushi' or cool 'aatya'. Its not that my maternal instincts dry up the moment i think about my next meeting or assignment.
To add to the record, i do NOT come from a dysfunctional family. My parent's marriage is the best marriage i have ever seen. All the communication courses that i grudgingly had to undergo during my training suck big time when i see them communicating daily...sometimes without words. They are so very well arranged around each other that when they move, its like watching a whole piece move & not its two components. therefore i can never give up on the idea of marriage or counter-question its sanctity.
AND i do have feelings & emotions. Rather too many of them that i could spare a few ;)
I work passionately. Clocks stop chiming around me when i am busy working. i forget my luncheons & dinners, i forget my medicines, i forget my break times, i forget my pack up time..
so is Passion not a feeling? rather if i were devoid of it, i wouldnt have made it till this far!
i still go weak kneed when i see Robert Pattinson (not with Kristen Stuart though :( ), i still feel teleported to another world when i am reading Harry Potter. I still feel mesmerized with Hobbits. I am still in awe with Edward & Bella. I still curse as loudly as i can when there is a Ind vs Pak cricket or hockey match, i still sob uncontrollably when i have to go out of town to stay away from my parents & when i am watching last season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S when Mon & chandler talk about relocating. I still sing in the shower & blast out a Linkin Park song. I still want to be left buried in my bed, early in the morning when i am dreaming of my lavish wedding. I still go all awwww when i see cooing babies & soft toys, i still laugh out loud when a well timed joke is cracked, i still love to gossip & comment on someone else's dressing sense. i still feel motherly towards all my girlfriends when they are going through break ups or nasty PMS. I still love to dress up occasionally to attend a party. I still love to check out guys & wonder how would they be as boyfriends. I still feel all tingly when i am reading Pride & Prejudice or Helen Fielding. I still am curious enough to finish one Dan Brown's in single night. I still feel proud when i see my father being happy for all my achievements.
My ambitions do not make me any less of a girl than what i already have been but dont understand why people are confused about Ambition & feminity co-existing together!
To those who think i am eccentric, i have nothing to say. I am happy to be the way i am. Thank You very much! :)
I am 24 & i will get married when the time & the man is correct. I wouldnt want to make a career out of my marriage. I would keep them separate. I would get married to have a companion for lifetime & not to have a well earning husband who can fend for me. I would get married to someone who would respect my career as much as his. I would get married to someone whose career decision would not jeopardize mine. If ever, i felt like quitting my career for the sake of my babies, i would do so but it would be my will & my decision. It would not be forced down upon me. Till the time i find a man secure enough to allow me all of the above, i would wait happily & bask in the glory that has come with hard earned rewards at work.
I would gladly cook & clean but its because i want to do that for my loved ones, my family & not because i am born as a woman.
I will be a good wife, an excellent mother, a daughter to my in laws but all this will come more naturally to me if i am secure in my own space, when i am on terms with my inner self. When i am not left longing for a career that i could have had. When i wont feel something amiss while seeing other working women. When i would know for sure that i have been there & done that...When i wouldnt feel sorry for myself of giving up on my dream of making it big... I wouldnt mind giving up on my career once i make it, once i test my mettle against all odds but first let me reach there. Marriage and sorts can wait till then :)
why is it ok for a man to be ambitious, even ruthlessly so but its a huge put off for a woman to even think about it? Why is she termed as unfeminine if she is career oriented?
I receive a lot of incredulous looks when i say i am ambitious & i want to become VP of Patni's V&V Center of Excellence someday. i say so out of the confidence that i have it in me to get there. i am ready to put all my waking hours in my work & duties, to learn those extra special skills to become a good leader, a manager thereof. I am willing to keep my personal life on a side burner if not the back burner to be able to manage my professional space...and so on!
but it does not convince others.
Some think something is missing with me (may be a better chunk of brain ;)), some feel i am deviating from my natural maternal instincts (!), some wonder aloud if i come from a dysfunctional family to have such an aversion (?) towards a beautiful & universally acknowledged institution such as marriage(!!). some call me a machine devoid of feelings thats a pre-requisite of having a family. Some call me plain eccentric!
often i am tempted to give it back to them but i dont do it. Its wastage of time anyways.
our mental conditioning right from the time we are born is to believe that a man is the bread winner & the woman is for the family & home.
i would not challenge or question this age old belief cause this is what has made this world as balanced as it is today but then man has stopped being just the 'breadwinner' ages ago. Hasnt he?
He wants to excel in whatever he do. He is not merely satisfied with what he earns or what he conquers. There is always a demand for more, a competition for many. Sky is the limit!
Woman has also left her house to earn the butter for her breadwinner's bread... is it wrong now for her to think a little ahead & want to do better for herself?
Those who think that a better chunk of my brains is missing, i want to tell that its not missing. Its busy working on something thats so much more important than an inane discussion about my future that has to be as a woman!
For those who think i am deviating...well i am not! my maternal instincts are pretty much alive & kicking when i am around kids. I play with them, i spoil them rotten, i be a good 'maushi' or cool 'aatya'. Its not that my maternal instincts dry up the moment i think about my next meeting or assignment.
To add to the record, i do NOT come from a dysfunctional family. My parent's marriage is the best marriage i have ever seen. All the communication courses that i grudgingly had to undergo during my training suck big time when i see them communicating daily...sometimes without words. They are so very well arranged around each other that when they move, its like watching a whole piece move & not its two components. therefore i can never give up on the idea of marriage or counter-question its sanctity.
AND i do have feelings & emotions. Rather too many of them that i could spare a few ;)
I work passionately. Clocks stop chiming around me when i am busy working. i forget my luncheons & dinners, i forget my medicines, i forget my break times, i forget my pack up time..
so is Passion not a feeling? rather if i were devoid of it, i wouldnt have made it till this far!
i still go weak kneed when i see Robert Pattinson (not with Kristen Stuart though :( ), i still feel teleported to another world when i am reading Harry Potter. I still feel mesmerized with Hobbits. I am still in awe with Edward & Bella. I still curse as loudly as i can when there is a Ind vs Pak cricket or hockey match, i still sob uncontrollably when i have to go out of town to stay away from my parents & when i am watching last season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S when Mon & chandler talk about relocating. I still sing in the shower & blast out a Linkin Park song. I still want to be left buried in my bed, early in the morning when i am dreaming of my lavish wedding. I still go all awwww when i see cooing babies & soft toys, i still laugh out loud when a well timed joke is cracked, i still love to gossip & comment on someone else's dressing sense. i still feel motherly towards all my girlfriends when they are going through break ups or nasty PMS. I still love to dress up occasionally to attend a party. I still love to check out guys & wonder how would they be as boyfriends. I still feel all tingly when i am reading Pride & Prejudice or Helen Fielding. I still am curious enough to finish one Dan Brown's in single night. I still feel proud when i see my father being happy for all my achievements.
My ambitions do not make me any less of a girl than what i already have been but dont understand why people are confused about Ambition & feminity co-existing together!
To those who think i am eccentric, i have nothing to say. I am happy to be the way i am. Thank You very much! :)
I am 24 & i will get married when the time & the man is correct. I wouldnt want to make a career out of my marriage. I would keep them separate. I would get married to have a companion for lifetime & not to have a well earning husband who can fend for me. I would get married to someone who would respect my career as much as his. I would get married to someone whose career decision would not jeopardize mine. If ever, i felt like quitting my career for the sake of my babies, i would do so but it would be my will & my decision. It would not be forced down upon me. Till the time i find a man secure enough to allow me all of the above, i would wait happily & bask in the glory that has come with hard earned rewards at work.
I would gladly cook & clean but its because i want to do that for my loved ones, my family & not because i am born as a woman.
I will be a good wife, an excellent mother, a daughter to my in laws but all this will come more naturally to me if i am secure in my own space, when i am on terms with my inner self. When i am not left longing for a career that i could have had. When i wont feel something amiss while seeing other working women. When i would know for sure that i have been there & done that...When i wouldnt feel sorry for myself of giving up on my dream of making it big... I wouldnt mind giving up on my career once i make it, once i test my mettle against all odds but first let me reach there. Marriage and sorts can wait till then :)
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