No matter how old you get, your birthday remains one day where you want to be a kid again. You want your loved ones to indulge you in the frivolities. Blow the candles, make a wish (or may be two ;)), cut the cake, get it smothered on your face, laugh out loud with those who remembered the special day.
This also is the day to either count another year off your life or start looking forward to the dawning ahead...
A balance sheet that makes me take stock of what i gained, what i lost, what i beheld, what i let go, what made me smile, what made me cry... the list is endless. Accounting has a rule for balance sheets though. The Credit and The Debit should match at all times... but for the balance sheet of my life it seldom does :)
This year started on a very very disappointing note. A very good friendship was ruined for life in an effort to make it more than what it was worth. A hollow feeling that followed me with broken heart was terrifying. A brief patch of time when world was not worth living in, when every night i ended up sitting in my bed staring at the sky, when every day of life was a chore to accomplish, i lived because i was too scared of dying.
What followed next was a zealous wave of indifference. Me mattered the most, my happiness was the only goal. Quite noble but i was getting carried away with a false sense of freedom and wariness. Lost some more precious relations while mourning for one that was never meant to happen.
Slowly indifference was replaced with suspicion and paranoia. No one in the whole world was worth trusting with my life, my heart, my feelings or rather the lack of them.
But my Job saved me from the drag that threatened to end up in nothingness. My work became my savior. What i lacked in personal life was overcompensated in my professional one. Responsibilities and more responsibilities attached themselves to me happily. I was content.
What else was i looking for in my failed relationship afterall? a sense of belongingness and importance.
what a man and a so called relationship failed to give me, my job did. god! thats corny isnt it? ;) but may be its not. Work piled and so with it came recognition and a dependablity that others felt around me. I loved it when they called me indispensable. i was finally something that wasnt easy to replace for someone,be it just for my project team.
Slogged my ass off. My friends were busy partying, enjoying life, living it fullest. Some of them switched jobs, teased hell out of me for being "Patni loyal". Some stayed back with me cursing however ... i was busy writing bank transmission files manually but with almost the same accuracy of the bank machine. My eyes were for the numbers and they were for mine.
Life started and ended with office and work. Not that i was lackdaisical in my work ever..thats not my type but my determination to do better in life was met with the force within... a force that wanted to channelize itself for my betterment.. a force that was directed in an entirely wrong way earlier.. I was so engrossed in pleasing a man, pleasing the world that was wrapped around him that i had forgotten where my own happiness lay. It was like Arabian Night's story. Like the demon i believed or rather i liked to believe that my life was caged in a parrot. The demon would do anything to keep the parrot protected but caged. I did the same. I kept my own happiness caged in someone else's happiness. My job helped me break free.
And slowly but steadily i came out of the trauma... i am essentially a happy person who loves to laugh out loud and have merry times. Those original genes somehow refused to mutate into a sad and hopeless copy of theirs. Life came back to me with full force... Not that there werent moments of dejectedness or loneliness. I would often feel lonely in room full of chattering people but my work, my lovely colleagues, my friends...everyone helped me understand that being lonely was a state of mind that we ourselves put us into. Noone else or their absense can make you feel lonely if you dont accept it. and Whoa! i wasnt lonely at all... These people taught me that there is no point in keeping the eyes closed with a fear that a fleck of dust would make you cry...I opened my eyes and may be for the first time in my life learnt to appreciate true beauty of the people surrounding me... Their banters, their smiles, their chatter..everything was so full of zest that i was ready to get back on with my life... and i did!
I agree. I did not make any new friends this year but i learnt to appreciate those who i have.
I agree. I did not have a social life other than my office but even that taught me so much about the nuances of life.
I agree. I was scared to fall in love again but i finally did and it felt so beautiful as if i werent hurt ever. May be it was the time when i understood that when you love someone truly, madly, deeply you become strong but when someone loves you truly, madly, deeply, it gives you courage.
So this year was that not only made me strong but gave me lot of courage as well....
Just want to thank God for being so kind. He allowed me to make wrong choices and take risks but he gave me learnings worth all the trouble.
Now with this new year...i again have a hope and faith to live my life on my own terms, for my own happiness :)
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