Its a journey meant for her alone, in the last seat of her bus, when tears run down uncalled for but unrelenting, the rest of the world is oblivious to her pain. her expectations soar every morning hour and crash down as the dusk approaches. she holds down till this point, pretending of coifing her hair and wiping her swollen eyes instead.. but as her bus moves further and further away into darkness and the couple next to her snuggles up, she recoils in her own place.
so many faces that she painted in her dreams swirls around in her thoughts and with each comes the drowning feeling of non existence of hers in their life.
she need not wipe her eyes anymore. its dark in here, she realises her own tears when their sour taste plants itself firmly on her lips, lips that blush, lips that curl with disgust, lips that long for the words to be spoken to someone but are aware of the restrictions upon them.......
one look inside and she can see the lady next to her giggling. she flares inside with an unsummoned anger and she doesnt have any place to take it out and she humphs, asking herself not to be envious of something thats she knows is not destined for her........
Do not care for those who do not care in return. do not respect those who do not respect you in return, do not defend those who do not defend you in the need, do not live for those for whom you exist no more different than a leaf on nearby tree.
she reprimands herself...
why to think you can be important, why to think you can be beautiful, why to think you can be happy, why to think you will be surrounded by so many loved ones a day, that your loneliness would fade away in oblivion, why to think you will be loved for your inner self, why do you think everyone will be true to you when you, yourself are not......her mind defies herself...
every day that you live is a big fat lie. you have a friend who can die for you, you have someone waiting for you out there, your success is your goal, your work is the ladder, you have a mind thats strong, you have eyes thats window to your soul, blah blah blah....
life has become a burden. every single lie ensuring the survival makes it even more un- survivable. she knows she is not like any thing above. she has her insecurities to succumb to. she has her own fears to battle with, she has demands from her self to ignore, she has a need thats need to be neglected.
what she needs is nothing but a tight slap on her face from life when she is trying too hard to laugh, when she is trying to pretend that everything is hunky dory.
she needs a lesson from life, teaching her that there is no point in putting up the brave front and a facade of indifference to conceal the real her who is as scared of losing her possessions as an old woman with noone to care to.
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