There is always a tug of war being played inside of me.
Its my mind versus my brains, my needs versus what is available to me, my dreams versus my realness and finally my desires versus what i think i deserve.
i read last night "One's mind is lousy master but a wonderful servent"
what is it in my case?
is it my servent? can i simply order it to stop cerebrating what i think or can i summon all the positivity when i am down?
answer hits me hard. it isnt my servent. the case is quite contradictory.
it has mastered me, it flies everywhere and gathers more hazards than good.
it gives rise to those temptations, i know can shatter the poise, i have learnt to live with.
it evokes the need to be perfect, not for myself but for the world outside.
it conjures up dreams that i shouldnt be dreaming off, it creates the illusion in front of me, that i can get hold of what i want, till the reality brutally hits me on face, pulling me back from the oblivion.
i expect my brains to do the needful. i want it to stop the acclerating speed of my thoughts before i feel dizzy but its numb. The reality seems too harsh to bear and it advises me to keep on living in the illusion.
putting two and two together, it creats a world where i will be accepted with all my limitations. where my feminineness could be searched well beyond my looks and length of hairdo.
this is the world where i have a partner who is as vulnerable as i am and still we manage to act each other's shield.
i can dream, i can fantasise, i can see them fulfilled without being made to pay heavy price for it.
[will continue.........] my eyes are too full of water to be able to see any further, my mind is too heavy to keep going........