As the clock strikes 12 tonight, i finish my 3 long years with Patni. phew!!!! as i wrote on Facebook.. its been a roller coaster ride with no puking.. ;)
A lot of times, as the trend is, i am expected to call names to my employer....i am suppose to laugh at Jokes like PATNI stands for Pathetic Appraisal Through No Increments...if i am in good mood, i do.
but most of the times i dont!
If our own experiences form our beliefs i dont see any reason why i should curse Patni.
Bad remuneration! yes sir! i have been through that. Even after a promotion, for a very long time my package has been lesser than that of a Fresher's but there are so many other things that redeem this one fault...
Right from day one i have got good opportunities. I know i would have been loser of a developer had i chosen to remain one. No development aptitude what so ever..Patni gave me a chance to acknowledge the fact, accept it with dignity & move ahead with another alternative...
Testing or what we glorify it by calling Quality Assurance ;)
i would pat my back here a little that i did not succumb to other's opinions about Testing being a loser's job. 99 out of 100 people told me that there was no future in testing & that one day i would repent my decision of changing from Mainframe development to Testing...
few classes in COBOL & i was sorted. Thats when people from FSBU hurried to help me...they wanted people having out of box thinking & analytical aptitude (Glorification yet again ;)) for their prestigious project for ABN AMRO...my mind snapped into action...better be an excellent tester than an average developer... Assessment for the batch of 70 people went on for a whole day... writing papers to fake triage meetings to group discussions... was exhausted at the end of the day...but whoa i was selected.... i was one of those 15 people who would change track from MF to testing....but the real competition was far ahead....only 4 of these 15 would go to the much touted ABN Project...the rest would go to Fidelity...a good option job security wise but i wanted to be one of those 4....so there started a grueling schedule of PPT preparation every single day. we would be given a testing related topic in the afternoon & we were suppose to ready a presentation next day in the morning to be given to our entire team and our Project Manager, two team leads & our BDO. i was a fresher...just out of college..wasnt sure of what to do but kept at it & finally the day arrived when the final lucky 4 were to be selected... speculations were flying high...& finally when my name was announced, i looked straight at my PM. she smiled & my face changed in a second...i am sure it was more like the Fair & Lovely ad where you can see it glowing step by step...mine glowed instantaneously ;)
This project needed me to learn Data Warehousing... Informatica to be precise...
it was a workflow designed for ABN AMRO using Informatica to identify possible transactions with Money Laundering as the purpose. so thats how people turned their black money into white...was amused... learning finance was good but informatica was pain!
all its arrows going in & out of the data models would torture me...i would give up..but my PM was one hell of a motivator...she would single me out, sit with me & teach me personally how to build those horrid data models...i learned & i learned fast...finally when "Data Coverage" module was assigned to me, i was short of heaven by inches... i gave my PM a thankful nod...that was one important module...a smaller one but the most critical....
after four years of being an average engineer struggling to keep up with 40 mandatory marks to keep KTs at the bay, this sense of importance was refreshing...
Slogged my ass off..was terrified to hear UK based client....i would look at my PM intently to understand desperately what the british was blabbering in his propah UK accented English...
at one point of time my desperation would grow so much that i would stare at my PM with as much concentration as the deaf & mute children have to pay to 'understand' whats being told...
a few days like this & i could understand what the British were talking... it went on to become so good that i could scowl at their mention of a recent England vs India cricket match where india had (obviously) lost to them.
As my fate could have it, The Blasted Barclays took over ABN, they scrapped our entire project citing no funds...now now..you have bloody pots of pounds to take over a bank but you dont have enough money to let a project run.
Suddenly we were called in the conference room & we were as good as jobless...our project was no longer on. I had never seen my ever smiling PM that depressed but she still cheered us on..asked us to take this in right spirit & move on....
we were transported from The Desk to The Bench overnight...
my friends, my team, my precious Informatica & my cubicle, my stern but sweet TL who would call me each night at 10 to ask if i had left for the home & my PM....i would miss all of them...i cursed Barclays...i cursed Patni...i cursed everyone around...that was my first Project...my first QTS...my First Test Plan...my first appreciation mail, my first responsibility...it was gone...those who had gone to Fidelity joined us in our mourning but we could feel their involuntary sighs of relief... they were still billable...they were still assets to the company...
there was heartbreak but that was also the first time i realized how a compassionate & good minded guide can teach you so many things in a fleeting moment...
as i stepped inside the float area with heavy heart, i drafted a four liner mail to my PM...whining about the project & thanking her for all her support & personal attention provided...mentor as i called her, i expressed my wish to work under her once more if fate could have it that way...
she replied saying she wished the same but not to have me work 'under' her but 'with' her.... i cried when i read that mail...this sentence has since then with me....
i so hope that one fine day when i become responsible for my team as their manager, i can exhibit atleast 1% of such bigheartedness & down to earth nature...
Patni has given me a lot...it wont end there....i am sure another part will be on its way sooner.. :)
Bombay - Never Lost but found some more...:)
Was reading Suketu Mehta's Maximum City - Bombay lost & found... quite an interesting read..
one particular sentence amused me to no end & made me shrug at the same time...
'Mumbai is a city in heat.' thats exaggerated!!
for these NRIs who stroll around in Air Conditioned cars & stay in penthouses, privacy is available as easily as the air around...but for those middle class couples...privacy is elusive in this superdense city. Its like a pressure cooker. The pressure can build up but only upto a level...it has to vent out somewhere & places like Marine Drive, Bandstand, Shivaji Park, Juhu are the vents for such little unfortunate lovers.. they want some time together...they want to discuss their pain, their problems, their future... they want to hold each other...they want to express their feelings for each other... there is so much that a couple wants to share when they finally confess..(atleast initially).
i do not justify vulgarity...neither can i stand PDA (Public Display of Affection for the uninitiated..) but come on people...let them have their time....when they turn their back on you...its a DND (Do not Disturb) board...should respect that...
Reason why i am writing this today is because i had gone to Marine Drive... the most beautiful place in town...saw hundreds of such lovers sitting a stone's throw distance from each other...
if they stretch their hands on the side, they can touch the next couple...still noone really minds...each one of them is so engrossed in their partner..they do not bother to give you a stern look even if you stand there staring at them...
one common link chains them... they all are truly, madly & deeply in love with their partner...or so do they would like to believe...
This place mesmerizes me like no other...on one side there is ocean..stretching as far as you can see...waves splash on the rocks & retreat back... there are land's end from both the sides...sky scrappers adorn them..their lights glint against the black sky...giving them an aura of their own...
when you are sitting in the middle & you see these land's end & the sea in between...you feel as if the city is trying to embrace the ocean... but sea do not wish to be trapped in....its flowing out...out of the city's reach...
such epiphanies hit me like waves when i am right there....at dusk...sky shutting down for the day but mumbai's night life just beginning...on one side its all dark...& on the other, there is light flooding my eyes...making me squint..
the very famous Queen's Necklace appears right before my eyes and i feel special simply because i was born here...in the city that made me competitive right from day one... there was only one incubator & three babies... who would get it... the one that cries the most..so i cried as much as my prematurely born body could bear... that competitive edge still helps me...i do not cower when i face competition. it exhilarates me..brings back my survival instincts...
this is the city that taught me how to carry myself around with confidence...
when i am feeling low, i remember the mantra 'Be Confident. Atleast pretend so if you are not..people here take a lot by its face value' and believe me it works every single time!!
With such thoughts in my mind, i sat down with Sonali & Shobha to take in the view. The day was too hazy & visibility very poor... we tried to huddle together so as not to disturb two other couples who sat on either side of us... but they didnt care about us being so close to them...they were plain engrossed if this word can define their state.. :)
There were giggly girls...there were hawkers selling Ice Creams.. There were joggers...sweating..There were dogs...panting... heat was unbearable..not even sea breeze could take the heat out of the air...but it was all worth it for the solitude it offered even when we were surrounded by hundreds of people...
Saw some cute guys...some of them were lolling around...one of them was reading some book, craning his neck...loved him!! next time i go there, i would carry my Jane Austin's with me..
i would fall in love with Mr.Darcy some more...
Saw Trident... it was a scene of horror an year ago when terrorist kept its inhabitants hostage...now its back to its hospitable self...times change, memories fade..clicked some photos..
Saw a Gucci store...promised Sonali that one day i would buy her something from this very shop...20 years may be it would take me to afford that...but thats ok...we are friends for lifetime..
i have some time to fulfill my promise...
my legs were killing me & i wasnt even wearing my pointed heels!!!! it was then that we halted for a breather that we reaslized how far we all had come chatting & checking out guys.. (come on! we three single gals... its our birth right!!)
Air India's Maharaja welcomed us with his whiskers the moment we turned to go back...
saw 'Not Just Jazz By the Bay'... yeah yeah you could have named it 'come-here-to-sing-karaoke-and-giggle-uncontrollably' (Thats what atleast i did last time i went there) & it still would have been easy to pronounce & remember....
Took a cab to save our legs for Monday..i played one song that always comes to my mind these days when i am in car..rushing with speed...Kya Karoon from Wake Up Sid.. Sonali & Shobha couldnt hear it properly thanks to my phone & blaring horns outside..i did feel like Ranbeer Kapoor though.... free from all the worries about tomorrow, free from all the tangled past...only if i could stand & get my head out from the roof of the car...suddenly remembered it was a rented cab...not a Chevy.. :( Promised myself that one day, i would have my own glass roofed car...i would ask my husband (or driver..depends!) to drive it & i would get my head & hands out of the roof to taste the breeze..its more intimate than when you feel it in intervals...
we were as hungry as hyenas but couldnt see a place to eat... so we decided to head towards CST station... formerly Victoria Terminus... for me personally, this name suited the building the best...It was after all erected by the British. Its a heritage building... Its new name Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus dont do justice either to Shivaji maharaj or the terminus...the building stands there like a newly wed whose name was changed as per her in-law's whims & never was asked if she liked it..
we visited Fashion Street...now that used to be the Milan of Mumbai...as a kid, i roamed these streets...looking out for good bargains that i could show off in college or school the next day...this street gave me my first sport shoes...& my first pointed heel stilettoes...
There is no brand that can ride on popularity unless its fake copy appears on this street first...you get addidas, puma, nike, chanel, M&S, Pepe Jeans...you name it & this street has it..
it was also notorious for duping foreigners...a fake M&S would cost you 300 INR here..but it will be sold in 1000 INR to the first-timer looking firangi... "British ne hamko 100 sal luta...ab thoda hum lootenge to kya hogtoa' once a shopkeeper had told me sheepishly when i scolded him for bringing wrong name to India with such treachery... i tried telling him that the Firangi wasnt a British..it was an American..but white skin irrespective of its origin suddenly make them fall under the same category as The British.
Those who think Indians suck at English as a spoken language should visit this street sometimes and see these shopkeepers haggling with firangis. Not even call center trainers can train their so called well educated trainees this fast & this fluent...
at the end of the fashion street, we crossed the road and entered a small lane....i suddenly felt as if i was entering a supremely made set of some spooky film...old barren heritage buildings without any lights inside made me creep out. The road was dug up till its sides..some of the street lights werent working...almost every building had a hallowed look that you read about in Dan Brown's book...there were peepal & banian trees around...i recalled my mom telling me about hungry & unsatisfied spirits waiting on such tree tops to see gals like me, walking slowly with her hair open on shoulders...then they smile a wicked smile & jump on them to inhabit their bodies to carry out their half finished deeds... i urged Sonali & Shobha to walk faster...they merely gave me an impatient look & continued with same pace... i saw a couple walking slowly, oblivious to the spookiness around...their hands interwoven..they were enjoying the silence & dimness around..GOD! Love really really makes you blind... i was grateful when the street ended and once more i could hear the hustle bustle of the city...
we went to Canon then.. the famous Pav Bhaji jaunt thats running for more than decades...i used to come here with my papa when i were really small.... a plate of Pav Bhaji was an yearly reward for well earned marks...i cherished them so much... all those feelings rushed to me...
we ate in silence...downed it by Slice... A cute guy stood next to us, eating Pav Bhaji...checked him out for some time...he had curly hair..a clean complexion...and a decent height.. no sight of paunch...he was looking ecstatic as he reached for his Pav Bhaji time & again... there was no hurry in his actions...i was about to add him on my Cutie of the Day list is when he decided to pick his nose... ewwww mentally crossed his name out of list.... Guys!!! Sometimes they look so good...worth taking some trouble to look at...then one action & everything goes back to being the primeval cave man with no manners!!!!
as we patted our full stomach & turned saw another spooky building... its Grandfather clock reminded me of one TV show that i used to watch from behind my quilt...i used to be so scared of the clock..one of the villagers used to drop dead the moment it would chime 7.30 PM...i used to be too interested to know who dropped dead (whole day i would pray for the one fellow i loved to look at...) to let it go...my parents would laugh at my defense- an age old quilt sewn by my grand mom when i was 1 & 1/2 years old...her last gift to me before she died.. these grown ups!! they would never know that my grandmom's quit would have literally saved me from the demon in the TV that killed people when the clock ticked its way to 7.30...
Me & Sonali bid goodbye to Shobha & took a cab to Churchgate station. Saw a v.v. cute Firangi...
photographing the same spooky building with drapes all over & a grandfather's clock perched in between... chuckled & let Sonali know... she rolled her eyes...wished that one day i could find one like that for me...who can drive me around in Chevy...wow God bless her!
and finally it was time to say good bye to Sonali & to the day... :)
its not the first time that i visited town...its been there...an inseparable part of my childhood & growing up years...i came here with my papa to just roam around in summer vacations, with my cousins to buy old battered copies of books in measly sum, with my friends to invade the fashion street, with my neighbors to show them around the real mumbai & sometimes alone just to wander about where noone would give me a second look...or ask my score in SSC...or my designation at work... loved those days...got a glimpse of it back after so many years...
should thank Sonali & Shobha for arranging this... :)
God! its late! :)
PS: First thing that came to mind when i saw Marine Drive today was Konkona Sen Sharma in Wake up Sid... didnt in the end she come here at the Marine Drive to experience her first rains in bombay? its when Sid actually wakes up & confesses his feelings....rain starts pouring & they hug each other for the eternity in love...
had cried buckets in theater when i saw the movie...
now standing there...i understood why it wasnt any other place chosen for their reconciliation....there is something in the air here.... is hawan me hi kuch baat hai... ;)
Power - An absolute turn on!
Yes. I wonder sometimes if power is just as a big turn on for others as it is to me? may be not!
i see a lot of people who are scared of power...of others and of their own.
i see people intimidated of power...not meeting their eyes when power stares at them...they stutter..they mumble..
i see people bowing to power...surrendering themselves & their weapons even before the power is used against them...
Power is just as powerful as a person perceives it be so for some people it means everything and for some nothing...some are so acutely aware of it & some absolutely wary.
to each his own...but for me, its little different.. i am neither scared nor intimidated... i am neither acutely aware of it nor i am wary of it...
i in fact love to stare deeply into the eyes of power...trying to gauge where it stems from...not every tom dick and harry can boast of power...then those who can, what is it in them that the power befriends them without making them power hungry or trigger happy...!
power when wielded correctly can show astounding results...its like watching fireworks against a dark sky...your eyes widen even without you realizing it...
so if i am not scared, intimated, aware or wary of it, what is it for me?
well, i am attracted to power in much much potent way than i would like to admit...
let me put a disclaimer here before there are hearty chuckles..
when i say power...i mean power acquired by brain & strategy & vision & sheer intelligence..
i dont call Anil Ambani or Mukesh Ambani powerful... they are good managers though...they managed well what their father left for them... with a staffing of best lawyers, MBAs, Engineers, Strategist, its not as big as we think.... their father, Dhirubhai Ambani.. now thats a very powerful man... to start off as a Petrol Pump attendant to one day build a multi-billion empire..thats the power that i am attracted to.
some would say its more intelligence than the power but then intelligence that does you no good is as useless as Petrol with no car. Your intelligence should drive you...it should get you power of changing things around in good way..(or bad..depends on person to person)
Observe a powerful personality ( i mean it without gender bias) if you can. They have a swagger to their walk, they have an aura around them when power is acquired & not inherited. They have a wariness, arrogant air around them that they know how to control to their benefit.
Confidence radiates from their entire being, rendering them a glory that lingers well after they have left the room...they can be as black as coal or as pale as ice, their features can be as nondescript as any stranger you stumble in on road...but their power can show you the stark handsomeness that's stimulating for an equally sharp & receptive mind.
This power coupled with responsible nature is an absolute delight. When you know your power can make or break & you use it to make things rather than shred them....it adds to your karma.. you shine some more... an unseen jewel at top of your head...
one more thing that makes such people irresistible is their ability to keep it low... their power exudes nonetheless but its subtle in its form & strong in its impact... it hits you not in your face but in your brains... Real Powerful people never show it off...in that case, you can pass them by as any other person you meet & forget in the course of your life cause they know real power does not need PR, it does not need a bare all attitude, it does not need to be proven to everyone, it need not be paraded....some of the most powerful men & women that i have come across are as down to earth as its humanly possible while maintaining your dignity. thats a power in itself...power on your power...power of control... so that the whip you use to keep it under control never backlashes on you... that the power you command never turns back on you...
Such people who understand flirtatious nature of Power make others comfortable...they do not take pride in making others flinch...they are not (normally) sadist. They down play their power which should not be misinterpreted as no power by someone they are just trying to make comfortable around them. a doubt in their well earned abilities... and the power comes back full throttled. It erupts like a volcano for the person who underestimate its force...such blasphemous thought!
Power has its effects... its the aggression in the thoughts and actions that brims over but is corked within by control gained over the years... It shines for a second unexpectedly in a moment of passion or challenge...just like thunder & shining...it frightens you of course but it makes you wonder as well.
all in all...power has all the ingredients to make me swoon...to sweep me off my feet...to make me bow with respect...to make me want it of my own...
i see a lot of people who are scared of power...of others and of their own.
i see people intimidated of power...not meeting their eyes when power stares at them...they stutter..they mumble..
i see people bowing to power...surrendering themselves & their weapons even before the power is used against them...
Power is just as powerful as a person perceives it be so for some people it means everything and for some nothing...some are so acutely aware of it & some absolutely wary.
to each his own...but for me, its little different.. i am neither scared nor intimidated... i am neither acutely aware of it nor i am wary of it...
i in fact love to stare deeply into the eyes of power...trying to gauge where it stems from...not every tom dick and harry can boast of power...then those who can, what is it in them that the power befriends them without making them power hungry or trigger happy...!
power when wielded correctly can show astounding results...its like watching fireworks against a dark sky...your eyes widen even without you realizing it...
so if i am not scared, intimated, aware or wary of it, what is it for me?
well, i am attracted to power in much much potent way than i would like to admit...
let me put a disclaimer here before there are hearty chuckles..
when i say power...i mean power acquired by brain & strategy & vision & sheer intelligence..
i dont call Anil Ambani or Mukesh Ambani powerful... they are good managers though...they managed well what their father left for them... with a staffing of best lawyers, MBAs, Engineers, Strategist, its not as big as we think.... their father, Dhirubhai Ambani.. now thats a very powerful man... to start off as a Petrol Pump attendant to one day build a multi-billion empire..thats the power that i am attracted to.
some would say its more intelligence than the power but then intelligence that does you no good is as useless as Petrol with no car. Your intelligence should drive you...it should get you power of changing things around in good way..(or bad..depends on person to person)
Observe a powerful personality ( i mean it without gender bias) if you can. They have a swagger to their walk, they have an aura around them when power is acquired & not inherited. They have a wariness, arrogant air around them that they know how to control to their benefit.
Confidence radiates from their entire being, rendering them a glory that lingers well after they have left the room...they can be as black as coal or as pale as ice, their features can be as nondescript as any stranger you stumble in on road...but their power can show you the stark handsomeness that's stimulating for an equally sharp & receptive mind.
This power coupled with responsible nature is an absolute delight. When you know your power can make or break & you use it to make things rather than shred them....it adds to your karma.. you shine some more... an unseen jewel at top of your head...
one more thing that makes such people irresistible is their ability to keep it low... their power exudes nonetheless but its subtle in its form & strong in its impact... it hits you not in your face but in your brains... Real Powerful people never show it off...in that case, you can pass them by as any other person you meet & forget in the course of your life cause they know real power does not need PR, it does not need a bare all attitude, it does not need to be proven to everyone, it need not be paraded....some of the most powerful men & women that i have come across are as down to earth as its humanly possible while maintaining your dignity. thats a power in itself...power on your power...power of control... so that the whip you use to keep it under control never backlashes on you... that the power you command never turns back on you...
Such people who understand flirtatious nature of Power make others comfortable...they do not take pride in making others flinch...they are not (normally) sadist. They down play their power which should not be misinterpreted as no power by someone they are just trying to make comfortable around them. a doubt in their well earned abilities... and the power comes back full throttled. It erupts like a volcano for the person who underestimate its force...such blasphemous thought!
Power has its effects... its the aggression in the thoughts and actions that brims over but is corked within by control gained over the years... It shines for a second unexpectedly in a moment of passion or challenge...just like thunder & shining...it frightens you of course but it makes you wonder as well.
all in all...power has all the ingredients to make me swoon...to sweep me off my feet...to make me bow with respect...to make me want it of my own...
True Love & The Emotional Fuckwittage
Not a decent name..i am sure..
there is no such word as fuckwittage...i know
but it makes me smile inwardly everytime i hear it...not because it has a naughty undertone that satisfies my feminist ego when i utter it in context of a man but because this one word is more than enough to counter balance sickly sweet concept of true love.
Once upon a time (funny..i am just 24), i believed in the concept of true love. I smiled to myself when i heard hindi romantic songs...my eyes looked out of window, caressing the laughing & loving couples swiftly with a kind & amused gaze. I was naive then & hopeful.
i believed in the fairness of it all. You give love & you receive it back tenfold. Go out being a friend & you would find many..blahhh
it never happens that way anymore...you give love & chances are more that you will be conned..making you a non believer, scarring you for life..
Your friends flock together till your feathers are full of color and uptight...the moment they see them shading & fading, they fade into oblivion as well...
some dont want friend, they want a pet that would bark, lick at their command...a yes to a yes, a no to a no... the whole space where two oppositely opinionated people can live happily without going for each other's neck just doesnt exist.
Your beauty & complexion outscore your qualities. Your loyalty and undying devotion is termed as your weakness... they drag you & you let yourself be!
thats why i say there is emotional fuckwittage everywhere.....an emotional person is considered a fool...a novice..
it has to be take take and take all the time and no sight of offering anything.....
so i say that True Love does not exist at all..... what exist is the reason why a certain someone loves you...
if the reason is good & intent is correct, you may call it somewhat true... if the reason not so good & intent dubious...call it an experience & forget it...
in the world of fuckwittage...thats as far as you can go to find something as elusive & mirage-d as True Love... :(
there is no such word as fuckwittage...i know
but it makes me smile inwardly everytime i hear it...not because it has a naughty undertone that satisfies my feminist ego when i utter it in context of a man but because this one word is more than enough to counter balance sickly sweet concept of true love.
Once upon a time (funny..i am just 24), i believed in the concept of true love. I smiled to myself when i heard hindi romantic songs...my eyes looked out of window, caressing the laughing & loving couples swiftly with a kind & amused gaze. I was naive then & hopeful.
i believed in the fairness of it all. You give love & you receive it back tenfold. Go out being a friend & you would find many..blahhh
it never happens that way anymore...you give love & chances are more that you will be conned..making you a non believer, scarring you for life..
Your friends flock together till your feathers are full of color and uptight...the moment they see them shading & fading, they fade into oblivion as well...
some dont want friend, they want a pet that would bark, lick at their command...a yes to a yes, a no to a no... the whole space where two oppositely opinionated people can live happily without going for each other's neck just doesnt exist.
Your beauty & complexion outscore your qualities. Your loyalty and undying devotion is termed as your weakness... they drag you & you let yourself be!
thats why i say there is emotional fuckwittage everywhere.....an emotional person is considered a fool...a novice..
it has to be take take and take all the time and no sight of offering anything.....
so i say that True Love does not exist at all..... what exist is the reason why a certain someone loves you...
if the reason is good & intent is correct, you may call it somewhat true... if the reason not so good & intent dubious...call it an experience & forget it...
in the world of fuckwittage...thats as far as you can go to find something as elusive & mirage-d as True Love... :(
E Jindagi gale laga le...
E jindagi gale laga le..
hum ne bhi tere har ek gam ko gale se lagaya hai...hai na?
God! i have lost count of how many times i have listened to this song...and no matter where i listen to it and when...i get goosebumps all over my body... Suresh Wadkar's voice reaches not only your ears but also your heart... Hero in this song is asking...asking? or rather pleading his life to embrace him as dearly as he has embraced all the sorrows that it presented... wow!
When i listen to this particular verse, i imagine a day turning into dusk...a tolerant but tired mom standing near the door waiting for her kid.... Her kid is very young...and unabashedly naughty...he does something that brings her momentary disgrace...like dirtying his cloths, fighting in school...he knows he is in trouble and that his mom is going to beat him like anything....so he turns his charm on her...he slowly moves forward making a puppy face....a face that tells his mother that he is ashamed of what he did and that he wants to apologize...she is a mother of course...someone who conceived and reared him....she knows that he will go back to being his naughty self the very next day...she wants to beat him...punish him for his silly acts that embarrass her sometimes...she looks at other kids his age...calm & composed....never fighting...never embarrassing their moms...perfect kids......for a split second, she cant resist comparing herself with perfect mothers of those perfect kids...she questions herself...her upbringing...her choices...everything that she ever did for the kid.....she wants to turn her back to him...no matter what he does today..she is not going to be lenient anymore...she will teach him a lesson that he wont forget ever....but this kid is not only naughty but sharp too...he knows his mother's undying love for him....he knows that she will never turn her back on him...that there will be curses..there will be beating...there will be silence for a day or two...there will be red welts on his legs where she would hit him with cane...to make him a better kid...a perfect kid...but at the end of the day when he will cry himself to sleep...she will come, wiping her tears silently she will rub balm on his welts...feeling them, caressing them slowly with her fingertips...she finally will pull him in her lap and kiss his forehead with as much love as a woman can possibly contain in her heart...she will embrace her kid close to her womb where it resided for whole of nine months...she didnt care about him being perfect then...she was just too happy to have him...she allowed him to take shape, a form...develop his senses....she will think back and embrace him tightly some more....no matter what he does, he is everything that she has...she would never let him go...
well whats the similarity here with these verses??? .. I am The Mother and my life is that little, naughty, obnoxious kid...
sounds crazy? not to me? Its I who conceived my own life...its unique...its not perfect but its my own..i created it myself... when i was small, i didnt care for it to be perfect...i was happy to have it...its when i grew up and realized that everyone around me had their own that the comparisons started...always thought that everyone else had a better life than me...like having a perfect kid... their problems never seemed horrible...their sorrows never as encompassing as mine... i envied them... didnt i try and see if something was wrong with me, the way i lead it so far, my choices, my decisions?...i could never see the fault in me! i felt i spoiled my life silly...let its happiness take over everything else... i faced its blows smiling and never complaining....may be that was the time when i should have slammed my life a bit...should have shaken its shoulder and ask it to come on terms with what was real....but i am a mother remember? i could never hurt it back...i hurled curses at it...i told it how others were leading a more fruitful and complete life...i tried to be silent for some time...not paying any attention to it for all the time that it was yelling back to me, wanting me to look at it...i ignored my life..my kid.. i let it grow up for a while without actually being there for it...
i beat it with my ignore & avoid games...it kept on throwing questions at me time to time...but i turned my deaf ear and blind eye to them.... 'you want to hurt me, embarrass me in front of others...this is what you would get now...i wouldnt care for your happiness...i would punish you for being so hard for me' i told my life...but then at the end of the day...my life retreated slowly...it realized that mom is mad this time...but it never went back completely...it never lost its faith in me...me who conceived it..My life knew that i loved it...and i loved it like nothing else.... so my life backed off...cried itself to sleep...and then i, The Repentant Mother wondered if i have anything else worth looking at if i dont have my naughty mischievous life who plays its endless games with me, tires me more and more as it grows....answer is no...i dont have nothing...so i called my life back...it waited for some time...looked at me with fearful eyes, with a gaze full of contempt...i smiled at it and it came running towards me...and i embraced it tightly....as tightly as i could so that every fiber of my being came alive with it....i kissed it on its forehead..and warned it to behave next time...should not cause me grief or pain anymore...it hid its face in my lap...and smiled a wicked smile, planning its next game...me being an innocent and loving mother knew what my life...my kid was upto but still clutched it to my heart and sung a lullaby... :) i love you my kid...i love you my life... :)
Femina does NOT make me happiest, You do! ;)
On weekends i step out early in the evening to go to Shivaji Park for a stroll (ok fine! i am worried about my ever expanding waist line). this Saturday, one caption caught my eyeballs as i was passing.. "10 Habits of Happiest People to Copy and Paste".. Now Now who doesnt want to be happiest! Also for an IT engineer and QA at that, Copy & Paste, these two words form parallel universe ;) so all in all, it was double whammy..
i wanted to read the article and see if i could copy and paste some of those habits...so i resolved to make myself happiest and haggled with the local raddiwala to get that copy at cheapest possible price (thats one habit i am sure isnt listed in there.. ;) bargain is bliss..have u heard?)
so the original issue that costs almost 100 bucks, i got it for paltry 5 bucks.. Yes..i was happy.. :)
i know that glossies like Femina cater to Upper Upper Upper middle class.. (if they are so 'Up above, in the sky', how come they are called middle class i wonder!) , i was still hoping for something for me...
a steaming cup of coffee, my favorite corner in the house and i was all set to copy paste... but 'disappointment' would not even come close to what i felt after reading it... not one habit worth copy pasting.... i fumed over the article for some time and wondered why.... well its because,
-- With what Patni pays me, i cant afford Spa massage every three years, let alone every month...Even if i get Aladin's magic lamp that conjures up pots of money for me to spend, the idea of me sprawling on a table, covered but naked underneath, in presence of a masseuse would send my mom in hyperventilation clubbed with spasms.. She would rather massage the idea out of my head... ;)
-- I dont have a dog (or Boyfriend) who can run to me, wagging its tail, licking my face with its tiny tongue, hugging me as if i invented Peta.. so there goes the source of happiness...
My experience with stray dogs (or guys) isnt very encouraging... once i got Parle-G and tried feeding a stray puppy at Shivaji Park during my routine jog session...it wagged the tail and i was awwww, i put some Parle-Gs in front and waited for it to pounce on them...but this tiny bundle of muddy brown fur sniffed at them for a second, gave me "thats so bloody middle class" look and scurried off to find People with Pedigree.. hrmh!!!!!! plus my Mom has warned me against having pets...as per her, she would certainly take the Dog or Cat or Parrot (annoying actually) or fish (they die dozen per week..sad) inside our house but then i will have to sleep either in the balcony or rent a place altogether... i love my parents so i cant have a pet... :(
-- I dont have a boyfriend supporting or otherwise ;)
Can boyfriend really be the source of happiness? from whatever i have heard from my 'experienced' friends, boyfriend most of the times (bless the other lucky souls) is the habit to make you more miserable. so 'Ditch Your Boyfriend' could be one of the tricks that can make you single and happier if not the happiest...
-- I cant have heart to heart talk with my mom about my ever changing crushes or my break ups or sorts. she would ask me why in the name of holiest god that i would want to have a boyfriend when i break into 'Tandav Nritya' the moment they broach topic of my marriage.
Commitment, Open Relationship etc etc words are non existent in her dictionary of all languages that she knows of. She very wisely would tell me "Good girls have friends and husband... there is no boyfriend in between". Once in a fit, after reading latest article on New Age Parenting, i showed her pic of one guy that i absolutely lusted after (Ok! those arent the words i used while telling her... I read the parenting article remember? not her!) she rummaged inside cupboard to get her glasses which meant she took my rambling seriously and had a piercing look at it..i am sure had the photo been a paper one, it must have caught fire like it does when you hold it under convex lens as 5th standard science experiment! She looked at him for a while then looked at me like Delhi guys do - from head to toe (not as lecherously of course) , Next started round of questions.. where did i see him, which caste does he belong to, whats the age, does he work in Patni blah blah blah... to all the questions i had only one answer .. "mum! i dont want to marry him...i just have crush on him...he is married!!!" well that was the last straw for my poor mother who would have gone headhunting for the author who thought preposterously of treating children like me as friends... she finally said Hey Ram..and even though she was not him, i could see how Mahatma Gandhi must have looked before he fell on the ground and said those famous words... i was no better than Nathuram Godse... me, a 25 year old, grown up daughter of hers had her brains crushed so much and so that she was after a married man... i tried in vain to tell her that i was not in love or something...i just liked him for his personality mooooommmmmmm!!! but she kept on mumbling things, got up to find my horoscope that i had hidden some place that i myself have forgotten where (have to get started to look for grooms... Married Man! oh my god! grumbled my momma)
so Femina, i have to strike out this one to be happy... chances are more that i will land up in hospital over this one.
-- I cant spend astronomical sum of money to make myself any more presentable than what i already am! it doesnt work anyways... i have tried in past and no longer do i wish to loose my purse strings for something that cant make a Catherina Zeta Johns out of Whoppie Goldberg!!!
I had bangs few years ago just to have my look changed (what was i thinking really?) and thats the exact time when the blasted Sony TV decided to copy paste "Ugly Betty" as our very own "Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi"!! i was teased like hell so every morning i would drag myself out of bed ten minutes earlier than usual and try to fix my fringe with as many bobby pins as i could find so by the time i left my house, i was not Jassi but Himali with a Bobby Pin Fence over my head... :(
One thing very luckily noone could convince me to buy was skin lightening product... i just cant stand them... and as my dear dear friend Pranay says "why spend money to be more presentable and keep people happy? Just keep your foul mouth shut and people would think you are nice anyways" so Femina there goes one more habit...
-- There are two types of people inhabiting earth (which balances food chain). first are the ones who eat so that they can live and second, like me, who live so that they can eat.
i cant go on diet however promising it may sound... i would rather keep my tongue and tummy satisfied than my waist (for which it has started complaining). So cant see myself eating breakfast like king, lunch like clerk and dinner like pauper (did i get that correct?). it happens exactly in the reverse order... our 'The Great Warrior of The West' aka Onsite Coordinator grumble about us hitting canteen first and then the link line so by the time we call, he is halfway in la la land and cant make head or tail of what we are talking... so we skip breakfast or by the time we are out of conference room huffing and puffing (dont ask why), its too late for breakfast and even if we have it, it turns out to be brunch which pushes the actual lunch well into early evening, that in turn punches our evening snack in the night..
and when i reach home "dead in night per my mom" she makes sure that i hog hog hog like a pig or else she would slaughter me anyways... ;) so reaching right body mass index is another na na for me to be happiest...
-- Now the most important, As per Femina, whopping 80% people are not happy in their current job. If thats the reason for their unhappy state, it becomes necessary for them to switch either the job or make do with what they have..
now here is something that i dont have to worry about. I LOVE MY JOB! i know sounds weird but i seriously do... i infact am the happiest while battling a nasty deadline... there is adrenaline rush (dont think i am sadist ;)) i love it and enjoy it. at the end of the project when all deliverables meet their fate and a small but cheery mail from PM pops up in my inbox, i feel content and happiest.
My cubicle amazes me like no other. had anyone told me few years back that there could be one place where there is chaos everywhere and still people have hearty laughs, feel-good chats over mugs of coffee, teasing moments, i wouldnt have believed it. Credit of course goes to my sweet (and all married :( ) colleagues. They enlighten me every now and then telling me about How they met, how they got married, how they fought, how they made up (ok not too many details here ;)), how they gave birth to their babies (ok those who have!) , how they feel when their babies cling to them at the end of the day.... it makes me feel happiest always when we are laughing, trying to keep the noise minimal...but someone bursts out in the effort and we literally guffaw not caring two hoots for what our PM would think of us..
when i see them missing their babies, telling me animatedly about small small things that they did over the weekend, complaining adoringly about late nights or no sleep at all, worrying about cough & cold situation...i feel thats the real source of happiness... a baby of your flesh and blood... wow! not even Femina could see this (shame!!). but as i sit there day dreaming about having a baby that looks a lot like 'Emma' of FRIENDS, that the Ross enters...not that i would mind David Schwimmer *blush blush* but yeah..talk about babies and enter Husband...ok, Enter Man...now thats a hugeee price to pay for that 'bundle of joy'. kinda negates the joy actually...especially when you are keeping up late to check on the diaper and he is snoring loudly on the other side...
guess i will have to wait for a few years to want a baby so desperately that i would be ready to pay any price... i am sure my husband wouldnt mind it...men!! they love babies too...especially the making part.. ;)
so all in all, I know as long as i am loving my job, have my parents to keep me grounded and well fed ;), have my soul sister of a friend, lot of other foul weather (and feathered ;)) friends, cheery colleagues, eyes shining beautifully with self confidence, i dont want any dog or boyfriend or spa massage or right BMI or beauty to feel happiest.
i wanted to read the article and see if i could copy and paste some of those habits...so i resolved to make myself happiest and haggled with the local raddiwala to get that copy at cheapest possible price (thats one habit i am sure isnt listed in there.. ;) bargain is bliss..have u heard?)
so the original issue that costs almost 100 bucks, i got it for paltry 5 bucks.. Yes..i was happy.. :)
i know that glossies like Femina cater to Upper Upper Upper middle class.. (if they are so 'Up above, in the sky', how come they are called middle class i wonder!) , i was still hoping for something for me...
a steaming cup of coffee, my favorite corner in the house and i was all set to copy paste... but 'disappointment' would not even come close to what i felt after reading it... not one habit worth copy pasting.... i fumed over the article for some time and wondered why.... well its because,
-- With what Patni pays me, i cant afford Spa massage every three years, let alone every month...Even if i get Aladin's magic lamp that conjures up pots of money for me to spend, the idea of me sprawling on a table, covered but naked underneath, in presence of a masseuse would send my mom in hyperventilation clubbed with spasms.. She would rather massage the idea out of my head... ;)
-- I dont have a dog (or Boyfriend) who can run to me, wagging its tail, licking my face with its tiny tongue, hugging me as if i invented Peta.. so there goes the source of happiness...
My experience with stray dogs (or guys) isnt very encouraging... once i got Parle-G and tried feeding a stray puppy at Shivaji Park during my routine jog session...it wagged the tail and i was awwww, i put some Parle-Gs in front and waited for it to pounce on them...but this tiny bundle of muddy brown fur sniffed at them for a second, gave me "thats so bloody middle class" look and scurried off to find People with Pedigree.. hrmh!!!!!! plus my Mom has warned me against having pets...as per her, she would certainly take the Dog or Cat or Parrot (annoying actually) or fish (they die dozen per week..sad) inside our house but then i will have to sleep either in the balcony or rent a place altogether... i love my parents so i cant have a pet... :(
-- I dont have a boyfriend supporting or otherwise ;)
Can boyfriend really be the source of happiness? from whatever i have heard from my 'experienced' friends, boyfriend most of the times (bless the other lucky souls) is the habit to make you more miserable. so 'Ditch Your Boyfriend' could be one of the tricks that can make you single and happier if not the happiest...
-- I cant have heart to heart talk with my mom about my ever changing crushes or my break ups or sorts. she would ask me why in the name of holiest god that i would want to have a boyfriend when i break into 'Tandav Nritya' the moment they broach topic of my marriage.
Commitment, Open Relationship etc etc words are non existent in her dictionary of all languages that she knows of. She very wisely would tell me "Good girls have friends and husband... there is no boyfriend in between". Once in a fit, after reading latest article on New Age Parenting, i showed her pic of one guy that i absolutely lusted after (Ok! those arent the words i used while telling her... I read the parenting article remember? not her!) she rummaged inside cupboard to get her glasses which meant she took my rambling seriously and had a piercing look at it..i am sure had the photo been a paper one, it must have caught fire like it does when you hold it under convex lens as 5th standard science experiment! She looked at him for a while then looked at me like Delhi guys do - from head to toe (not as lecherously of course) , Next started round of questions.. where did i see him, which caste does he belong to, whats the age, does he work in Patni blah blah blah... to all the questions i had only one answer .. "mum! i dont want to marry him...i just have crush on him...he is married!!!" well that was the last straw for my poor mother who would have gone headhunting for the author who thought preposterously of treating children like me as friends... she finally said Hey Ram..and even though she was not him, i could see how Mahatma Gandhi must have looked before he fell on the ground and said those famous words... i was no better than Nathuram Godse... me, a 25 year old, grown up daughter of hers had her brains crushed so much and so that she was after a married man... i tried in vain to tell her that i was not in love or something...i just liked him for his personality mooooommmmmmm!!! but she kept on mumbling things, got up to find my horoscope that i had hidden some place that i myself have forgotten where (have to get started to look for grooms... Married Man! oh my god! grumbled my momma)
so Femina, i have to strike out this one to be happy... chances are more that i will land up in hospital over this one.
-- I cant spend astronomical sum of money to make myself any more presentable than what i already am! it doesnt work anyways... i have tried in past and no longer do i wish to loose my purse strings for something that cant make a Catherina Zeta Johns out of Whoppie Goldberg!!!
I had bangs few years ago just to have my look changed (what was i thinking really?) and thats the exact time when the blasted Sony TV decided to copy paste "Ugly Betty" as our very own "Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi"!! i was teased like hell so every morning i would drag myself out of bed ten minutes earlier than usual and try to fix my fringe with as many bobby pins as i could find so by the time i left my house, i was not Jassi but Himali with a Bobby Pin Fence over my head... :(
One thing very luckily noone could convince me to buy was skin lightening product... i just cant stand them... and as my dear dear friend Pranay says "why spend money to be more presentable and keep people happy? Just keep your foul mouth shut and people would think you are nice anyways" so Femina there goes one more habit...
-- There are two types of people inhabiting earth (which balances food chain). first are the ones who eat so that they can live and second, like me, who live so that they can eat.
i cant go on diet however promising it may sound... i would rather keep my tongue and tummy satisfied than my waist (for which it has started complaining). So cant see myself eating breakfast like king, lunch like clerk and dinner like pauper (did i get that correct?). it happens exactly in the reverse order... our 'The Great Warrior of The West' aka Onsite Coordinator grumble about us hitting canteen first and then the link line so by the time we call, he is halfway in la la land and cant make head or tail of what we are talking... so we skip breakfast or by the time we are out of conference room huffing and puffing (dont ask why), its too late for breakfast and even if we have it, it turns out to be brunch which pushes the actual lunch well into early evening, that in turn punches our evening snack in the night..
and when i reach home "dead in night per my mom" she makes sure that i hog hog hog like a pig or else she would slaughter me anyways... ;) so reaching right body mass index is another na na for me to be happiest...
-- Now the most important, As per Femina, whopping 80% people are not happy in their current job. If thats the reason for their unhappy state, it becomes necessary for them to switch either the job or make do with what they have..
now here is something that i dont have to worry about. I LOVE MY JOB! i know sounds weird but i seriously do... i infact am the happiest while battling a nasty deadline... there is adrenaline rush (dont think i am sadist ;)) i love it and enjoy it. at the end of the project when all deliverables meet their fate and a small but cheery mail from PM pops up in my inbox, i feel content and happiest.
My cubicle amazes me like no other. had anyone told me few years back that there could be one place where there is chaos everywhere and still people have hearty laughs, feel-good chats over mugs of coffee, teasing moments, i wouldnt have believed it. Credit of course goes to my sweet (and all married :( ) colleagues. They enlighten me every now and then telling me about How they met, how they got married, how they fought, how they made up (ok not too many details here ;)), how they gave birth to their babies (ok those who have!) , how they feel when their babies cling to them at the end of the day.... it makes me feel happiest always when we are laughing, trying to keep the noise minimal...but someone bursts out in the effort and we literally guffaw not caring two hoots for what our PM would think of us..
when i see them missing their babies, telling me animatedly about small small things that they did over the weekend, complaining adoringly about late nights or no sleep at all, worrying about cough & cold situation...i feel thats the real source of happiness... a baby of your flesh and blood... wow! not even Femina could see this (shame!!). but as i sit there day dreaming about having a baby that looks a lot like 'Emma' of FRIENDS, that the Ross enters...not that i would mind David Schwimmer *blush blush* but yeah..talk about babies and enter Husband...ok, Enter Man...now thats a hugeee price to pay for that 'bundle of joy'. kinda negates the joy actually...especially when you are keeping up late to check on the diaper and he is snoring loudly on the other side...
guess i will have to wait for a few years to want a baby so desperately that i would be ready to pay any price... i am sure my husband wouldnt mind it...men!! they love babies too...especially the making part.. ;)
so all in all, I know as long as i am loving my job, have my parents to keep me grounded and well fed ;), have my soul sister of a friend, lot of other foul weather (and feathered ;)) friends, cheery colleagues, eyes shining beautifully with self confidence, i dont want any dog or boyfriend or spa massage or right BMI or beauty to feel happiest.
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