When Baba Himali logs onto her home computer..late in the night..to check her gexpro mails..anticipating work mails for the next day...she gets none..but she still waits for some time...
what to do all this time other than refreshing webmail after every 5 minutes and hoping to see a new mail waiting in the inbox...she gets philosophical and ponders over rules that she lives by...
now where the hell to find audience at 1 in the morning so she opens her blog and preaches world (read one or two poor emotionally blackmailed colleagues...) about how to live a nearly sainty not senty life.. (pun intended!! even if you dont get it)...
so here is to how i i.e. baba himali survives... ;)
** take life with a pinch of salt...including what others have to say about you, your life, your decisions, your choices, your attitude..everything thats essentially yours..
** Not everyone out there is to get you. there were people who loved you for what you were..there are people who love you for what you have maintained of you...and there will be people who will love you for what you will choose to become.
** Never ask anybody not to expect anything out of you..try and fulfill as many expectations of as many people as you can...without expecting anything in return.
The moment you recount things that you did for them..you have lost it.
You can NOT win people over by making them feel guilty...they will know what you did and why you did...and if they dont..then let it be..
** Every time when somebody hurts you and you want to hurt back, close your eyes and recall one time when they gave you immense joy.
Everytime when someone brings you to tears, close your eyes and recall one time when they made you laugh so hard that you actually cried laughing.
Everytime when somebody is being mean and selfish and you want to give it back to them, close your eyes and recall one time when they did something selflessly and you couldnt even say thank you out of gratitude...
Everytime you feel like slapping someone out of anger, close your eyes and recall one moment when their touch spread warmth all over your soul...
Everytime you think you can let someone go off your life, close your eyes and recall one moment when every fiber of your soul yearned to have them with you...
And if you cant recall that one moment when you close your eyes...understand its Over..and let it go...if its meant for you, it will come back to you...if its not, then think you are meant for better and bigger things.. ;)
** Patience and faith make lot of things easier. Its like a circle...Faith is what makes you patient and patience marks your faith...the moment you start feeling impatient about someone (or about yourself) check your faith-o-meter...chances are more that the needle will show you decline...boost it up to the maximum and you can patiently wait some more....
** Think before you speak...words can hurt people sharply...and you cant even see the blood!!!
**Be persistent even if world calls you a loser... when you see a tamed rock in riverbank its not the force of the water that makes it so...its the flow... :)
** and Finally...never follow other's rules...make your own..even if you break them..there is noone to punish you.. ;P
Falling Apart
When i look around these days, relationships are falling apart everywhere.... its disturbing...its heart wrenching... its because for me they were as stable and as rooted as an old banyan tree...its branches so deeply buried in the ground that it stood standstill in the biggest storm... its branches shook violently..some of its leaves parted too....its stem trembled for a while..but it still managed to get through... its branches...they never come off completely...
for the relationships that i am talking about, what these guys saw in each other and then fell for it head over heels was those qualities...they were nothing but the branches of the tree for me...their belief in each other shook sometimes but it maintained its presence throughout for them to face it together and then stand tall....
but whats happening these days is that they are not even waiting for the storm to arrive and shake them...they are cutting off those branches themselves..
I think ours is the most impatient generation ever...we want our noodles in two minutes..we want our cloths washed prim and proper in three minutes and so on....who has the time to ponder over? who has the willingness of accepting a flawed being and giving him/her time and space to adjust? who would want to accept their lover as they are? Everyone needs a quick fix to everything including their love life and partner..or else simply replace...without caring two hoots for their significant other whom they leave in lurch...
hearts cry, hearts bleed when you make someone your choice and they treat you as an option...for someone who has seen the best of their days, surrounded by best of their friends..this deterioration can be as paralyzing as a stroke
and even for somebody who has always been taken granted for, its further loss of their dignity and nobody really cares...
"How far can you go for the one you love" exclaimed Nagesh Kukkunoor's film "DOR"
yes, how far can you go to prove your love? will you cease existing altogether... will you leave behind persona that you spent a quarter of your life to build? Will you morph yourself into being someone you are not?
should one test other's love for them by subjecting them to such a personal loss?
should love need to be tested at all, i ask?
and what if one realizes a wee late that the New & Improved partner of their doesnt seem alright after all!!! happy realization but a wee wee late innit??
What about the person who has actually taken trouble of metamorphasizing themselves to an extent that they themselves cant recognize them any longer??
is there any way one's days of youth, liveliness and their time that they spent on their partners can be returned?
if its you who has changed someone like this...well feel ashamed for having the manipulative mind...too bad for you...
if its you who is changed for someone like the above...well feel ashamed for being so open to manipulations....
if pain, disappointments and agony is all you receive in the name of love...no wonder they say you FALL in love...yes you do fall...indeed...either you fall in love or you fall apart...whichever way its the same "FALL"
for the relationships that i am talking about, what these guys saw in each other and then fell for it head over heels was those qualities...they were nothing but the branches of the tree for me...their belief in each other shook sometimes but it maintained its presence throughout for them to face it together and then stand tall....
but whats happening these days is that they are not even waiting for the storm to arrive and shake them...they are cutting off those branches themselves..
I think ours is the most impatient generation ever...we want our noodles in two minutes..we want our cloths washed prim and proper in three minutes and so on....who has the time to ponder over? who has the willingness of accepting a flawed being and giving him/her time and space to adjust? who would want to accept their lover as they are? Everyone needs a quick fix to everything including their love life and partner..or else simply replace...without caring two hoots for their significant other whom they leave in lurch...
hearts cry, hearts bleed when you make someone your choice and they treat you as an option...for someone who has seen the best of their days, surrounded by best of their friends..this deterioration can be as paralyzing as a stroke
and even for somebody who has always been taken granted for, its further loss of their dignity and nobody really cares...
"How far can you go for the one you love" exclaimed Nagesh Kukkunoor's film "DOR"
yes, how far can you go to prove your love? will you cease existing altogether... will you leave behind persona that you spent a quarter of your life to build? Will you morph yourself into being someone you are not?
should one test other's love for them by subjecting them to such a personal loss?
should love need to be tested at all, i ask?
and what if one realizes a wee late that the New & Improved partner of their doesnt seem alright after all!!! happy realization but a wee wee late innit??
What about the person who has actually taken trouble of metamorphasizing themselves to an extent that they themselves cant recognize them any longer??
is there any way one's days of youth, liveliness and their time that they spent on their partners can be returned?
if its you who has changed someone like this...well feel ashamed for having the manipulative mind...too bad for you...
if its you who is changed for someone like the above...well feel ashamed for being so open to manipulations....
if pain, disappointments and agony is all you receive in the name of love...no wonder they say you FALL in love...yes you do fall...indeed...either you fall in love or you fall apart...whichever way its the same "FALL"
You Me??..lets be Us
Loving you has made me so helpless...
Its been some time that i saw my own reflection instead of yours.....every morning!
Its been some time that i prayed for my own dreams to come true than cherished yours!
Its been some time that i walked on the solid ground instead of living afloat!
Its been some time that i am being me instead of 'Us'
Its been some time that i saw my own reflection instead of yours.....every morning!
Its been some time that i prayed for my own dreams to come true than cherished yours!
Its been some time that i walked on the solid ground instead of living afloat!
Its been some time that i am being me instead of 'Us'
Journey of a loner
Its a journey meant for her alone, in the last seat of her bus, when tears run down uncalled for but unrelenting, the rest of the world is oblivious to her pain. her expectations soar every morning hour and crash down as the dusk approaches. she holds down till this point, pretending of coifing her hair and wiping her swollen eyes instead.. but as her bus moves further and further away into darkness and the couple next to her snuggles up, she recoils in her own place.
so many faces that she painted in her dreams swirls around in her thoughts and with each comes the drowning feeling of non existence of hers in their life.
she need not wipe her eyes anymore. its dark in here, she realises her own tears when their sour taste plants itself firmly on her lips, lips that blush, lips that curl with disgust, lips that long for the words to be spoken to someone but are aware of the restrictions upon them.......
one look inside and she can see the lady next to her giggling. she flares inside with an unsummoned anger and she doesnt have any place to take it out and she humphs, asking herself not to be envious of something thats she knows is not destined for her........
Do not care for those who do not care in return. do not respect those who do not respect you in return, do not defend those who do not defend you in the need, do not live for those for whom you exist no more different than a leaf on nearby tree.
she reprimands herself...
why to think you can be important, why to think you can be beautiful, why to think you can be happy, why to think you will be surrounded by so many loved ones a day, that your loneliness would fade away in oblivion, why to think you will be loved for your inner self, why do you think everyone will be true to you when you, yourself are not......her mind defies herself...
every day that you live is a big fat lie. you have a friend who can die for you, you have someone waiting for you out there, your success is your goal, your work is the ladder, you have a mind thats strong, you have eyes thats window to your soul, blah blah blah....
life has become a burden. every single lie ensuring the survival makes it even more un- survivable. she knows she is not like any thing above. she has her insecurities to succumb to. she has her own fears to battle with, she has demands from her self to ignore, she has a need thats need to be neglected.
what she needs is nothing but a tight slap on her face from life when she is trying too hard to laugh, when she is trying to pretend that everything is hunky dory.
she needs a lesson from life, teaching her that there is no point in putting up the brave front and a facade of indifference to conceal the real her who is as scared of losing her possessions as an old woman with noone to care to.
so many faces that she painted in her dreams swirls around in her thoughts and with each comes the drowning feeling of non existence of hers in their life.
she need not wipe her eyes anymore. its dark in here, she realises her own tears when their sour taste plants itself firmly on her lips, lips that blush, lips that curl with disgust, lips that long for the words to be spoken to someone but are aware of the restrictions upon them.......
one look inside and she can see the lady next to her giggling. she flares inside with an unsummoned anger and she doesnt have any place to take it out and she humphs, asking herself not to be envious of something thats she knows is not destined for her........
Do not care for those who do not care in return. do not respect those who do not respect you in return, do not defend those who do not defend you in the need, do not live for those for whom you exist no more different than a leaf on nearby tree.
she reprimands herself...
why to think you can be important, why to think you can be beautiful, why to think you can be happy, why to think you will be surrounded by so many loved ones a day, that your loneliness would fade away in oblivion, why to think you will be loved for your inner self, why do you think everyone will be true to you when you, yourself are not......her mind defies herself...
every day that you live is a big fat lie. you have a friend who can die for you, you have someone waiting for you out there, your success is your goal, your work is the ladder, you have a mind thats strong, you have eyes thats window to your soul, blah blah blah....
life has become a burden. every single lie ensuring the survival makes it even more un- survivable. she knows she is not like any thing above. she has her insecurities to succumb to. she has her own fears to battle with, she has demands from her self to ignore, she has a need thats need to be neglected.
what she needs is nothing but a tight slap on her face from life when she is trying too hard to laugh, when she is trying to pretend that everything is hunky dory.
she needs a lesson from life, teaching her that there is no point in putting up the brave front and a facade of indifference to conceal the real her who is as scared of losing her possessions as an old woman with noone to care to.
A Tug Of War between mind and brains
There is always a tug of war being played inside of me.
Its my mind versus my brains, my needs versus what is available to me, my dreams versus my realness and finally my desires versus what i think i deserve.
i read last night "One's mind is lousy master but a wonderful servent"
what is it in my case?
is it my servent? can i simply order it to stop cerebrating what i think or can i summon all the positivity when i am down?
answer hits me hard. it isnt my servent. the case is quite contradictory.
it has mastered me, it flies everywhere and gathers more hazards than good.
it gives rise to those temptations, i know can shatter the poise, i have learnt to live with.
it evokes the need to be perfect, not for myself but for the world outside.
it conjures up dreams that i shouldnt be dreaming off, it creates the illusion in front of me, that i can get hold of what i want, till the reality brutally hits me on face, pulling me back from the oblivion.
i expect my brains to do the needful. i want it to stop the acclerating speed of my thoughts before i feel dizzy but its numb. The reality seems too harsh to bear and it advises me to keep on living in the illusion.
putting two and two together, it creats a world where i will be accepted with all my limitations. where my feminineness could be searched well beyond my looks and length of hairdo.
this is the world where i have a partner who is as vulnerable as i am and still we manage to act each other's shield.
i can dream, i can fantasise, i can see them fulfilled without being made to pay heavy price for it.
[will continue.........] my eyes are too full of water to be able to see any further, my mind is too heavy to keep going........
Its my mind versus my brains, my needs versus what is available to me, my dreams versus my realness and finally my desires versus what i think i deserve.
i read last night "One's mind is lousy master but a wonderful servent"
what is it in my case?
is it my servent? can i simply order it to stop cerebrating what i think or can i summon all the positivity when i am down?
answer hits me hard. it isnt my servent. the case is quite contradictory.
it has mastered me, it flies everywhere and gathers more hazards than good.
it gives rise to those temptations, i know can shatter the poise, i have learnt to live with.
it evokes the need to be perfect, not for myself but for the world outside.
it conjures up dreams that i shouldnt be dreaming off, it creates the illusion in front of me, that i can get hold of what i want, till the reality brutally hits me on face, pulling me back from the oblivion.
i expect my brains to do the needful. i want it to stop the acclerating speed of my thoughts before i feel dizzy but its numb. The reality seems too harsh to bear and it advises me to keep on living in the illusion.
putting two and two together, it creats a world where i will be accepted with all my limitations. where my feminineness could be searched well beyond my looks and length of hairdo.
this is the world where i have a partner who is as vulnerable as i am and still we manage to act each other's shield.
i can dream, i can fantasise, i can see them fulfilled without being made to pay heavy price for it.
[will continue.........] my eyes are too full of water to be able to see any further, my mind is too heavy to keep going........
Thats Him.......
He would not utter a single word, i have never heard him....neither a single hi to his friends nor a sweet nothing on cellphone to someone special with blushing smile....(am i less thankful for this one? ;) )
neither a single wolf whistle for the hot chick in canteen....(made me think, he might be Happy & Gay... :( ) nor a single jeering sound with buddies.
His face buried in book or newspaper, he wouldnt look up....no matter who is there, doing Salsa or Rumba!
Should i simply snatch it away to confront those blazing eyes at least once a month as my life saving drug???? What would that make me look like? i wonder...... but then i have been wondering too much lately and doing absolutely nothing....... hmmmmm
Does he have a Girl Friend? a cute, cuddly, dumb, laden with MAC types??? or is he single with his own choice??? too engrossed in his career moves or too many expectations to find anyone with real flesh and bones.... What would be his choice??? a typical dumb, doormat, giggling type or more mature, intellectual with rim wired spectacles??? does that matter to me?? i am not counted amongst either of these......hmmmmmm
otherwise, who has this power of holding my gaze for so long? I know, you cant love or like anyone if you start analyzing but i cant help.
i have to analyze, be it his dressing sense or simply the way he is standing...which column does he like to read the most? Sports?? Politics?? Sexpert??? dont know but whichever it is, he is concentrating hard...screwing up his child like innocent face......how does he manage to look this cute despite of the facial aerobics he do???
Good looking....is he? i dont know....i do find him devastatingly good looking but my gal pals dont....they cringe at the mere sight of him..call him fatso, slug......how come it never matters to me??? how come i am not embarrassed of my admiration for him when my friends fail to see a single point worth giving a second look for??? well i have given 1567 looks in past few months...i couldnt locate a singular point....there are many....
The virtue of subtlety i thought always bypass guys....its gotta be loud, its gotta be throbbing, its gotta be thumping....its not "Guys Like" otherwise....
you need to whistle at every female specie in your sight, you need to smoke and booze, get stoned, you need to have atleast one girlfriend that you can show off to your friends and colleagues to make them feel like dying of jealousy and be born again as YOU....you arent Normal otherwise.....
you need to swear Ch...., Ma.... till the entire syllabus is neatly covered, you need to pat your male colleague cum friend on his bum and jeer...deep down in heart wanting to do the same with that hot HR lady in cabin opposite, only if company didnt have such strict policy against sexual abuse etc etc
you arent Man enough otherwise......your MCP mind would snarl at you....."Loser with Capital L"
Is he like this too? God knows....or rather the guy himself.... i presume he is not...i have to or my admiration would vanish in thin air like wisp, I think....
i pray, he is the Loser with Capital L. I like losers like this.....PERIOD ;)
but then what if its just same old nautanky. Just a show put up by him for the world, for me...his distant, non existent, equally Loser admirer of his, for his religious parents......i hate to admit the possibility....
i would imagine him throughout the day, being a typical Winner with all the "Qualities of a potent man" mentioned above, it doesnt fit.... its as weird as imagining Dharmendra shaking legs like Hrithik Roshan.....nearly impossible....but there are still apprehensions knocking in my mind....hmmmm....but one look at that silent prowl and stone cold face at the end of the day, passion in any form, for any darn thing in this world (gals included about which i am not complaining ;) ) seems hard thing to imagine in his blood.....
Does he ever get angry, does he ever feel cheated, does he ever feel like slapping every damn person he can lay his hands on, does he ever feel like wanting someone???????
too many questions and my mind is abuzz.........again, that one look and i feel calm.... a nonsensical warmth spreads over my entire being without bothering to explain where it came from, its assuring, doesnt matter if i am scatterbrains, doesnt matter if i act prejudiced sometimes, doesnt matter my guesses are not fuckingly accurate all the time.....I am correct this time.....about me, about my liking, love, admiration....about whatever you may want to call it....
Thats Him..............Loser......Loser....Biggest Loser....lolz......
neither a single wolf whistle for the hot chick in canteen....(made me think, he might be Happy & Gay... :( ) nor a single jeering sound with buddies.
His face buried in book or newspaper, he wouldnt look up....no matter who is there, doing Salsa or Rumba!
Should i simply snatch it away to confront those blazing eyes at least once a month as my life saving drug???? What would that make me look like? i wonder...... but then i have been wondering too much lately and doing absolutely nothing....... hmmmmm
Does he have a Girl Friend? a cute, cuddly, dumb, laden with MAC types??? or is he single with his own choice??? too engrossed in his career moves or too many expectations to find anyone with real flesh and bones.... What would be his choice??? a typical dumb, doormat, giggling type or more mature, intellectual with rim wired spectacles??? does that matter to me?? i am not counted amongst either of these......hmmmmmm
otherwise, who has this power of holding my gaze for so long? I know, you cant love or like anyone if you start analyzing but i cant help.
i have to analyze, be it his dressing sense or simply the way he is standing...which column does he like to read the most? Sports?? Politics?? Sexpert??? dont know but whichever it is, he is concentrating hard...screwing up his child like innocent face......how does he manage to look this cute despite of the facial aerobics he do???
Good looking....is he? i dont know....i do find him devastatingly good looking but my gal pals dont....they cringe at the mere sight of him..call him fatso, slug......how come it never matters to me??? how come i am not embarrassed of my admiration for him when my friends fail to see a single point worth giving a second look for??? well i have given 1567 looks in past few months...i couldnt locate a singular point....there are many....
The virtue of subtlety i thought always bypass guys....its gotta be loud, its gotta be throbbing, its gotta be thumping....its not "Guys Like" otherwise....
you need to whistle at every female specie in your sight, you need to smoke and booze, get stoned, you need to have atleast one girlfriend that you can show off to your friends and colleagues to make them feel like dying of jealousy and be born again as YOU....you arent Normal otherwise.....
you need to swear Ch...., Ma.... till the entire syllabus is neatly covered, you need to pat your male colleague cum friend on his bum and jeer...deep down in heart wanting to do the same with that hot HR lady in cabin opposite, only if company didnt have such strict policy against sexual abuse etc etc
you arent Man enough otherwise......your MCP mind would snarl at you....."Loser with Capital L"
Is he like this too? God knows....or rather the guy himself.... i presume he is not...i have to or my admiration would vanish in thin air like wisp, I think....
i pray, he is the Loser with Capital L. I like losers like this.....PERIOD ;)
but then what if its just same old nautanky. Just a show put up by him for the world, for me...his distant, non existent, equally Loser admirer of his, for his religious parents......i hate to admit the possibility....
i would imagine him throughout the day, being a typical Winner with all the "Qualities of a potent man" mentioned above, it doesnt fit.... its as weird as imagining Dharmendra shaking legs like Hrithik Roshan.....nearly impossible....but there are still apprehensions knocking in my mind....hmmmm....but one look at that silent prowl and stone cold face at the end of the day, passion in any form, for any darn thing in this world (gals included about which i am not complaining ;) ) seems hard thing to imagine in his blood.....
Does he ever get angry, does he ever feel cheated, does he ever feel like slapping every damn person he can lay his hands on, does he ever feel like wanting someone???????
too many questions and my mind is abuzz.........again, that one look and i feel calm.... a nonsensical warmth spreads over my entire being without bothering to explain where it came from, its assuring, doesnt matter if i am scatterbrains, doesnt matter if i act prejudiced sometimes, doesnt matter my guesses are not fuckingly accurate all the time.....I am correct this time.....about me, about my liking, love, admiration....about whatever you may want to call it....
Thats Him..............Loser......Loser....Biggest Loser....lolz......
Posthumous need of mine...........
I narrowly missed an accident today.....i was miraculously saved.......
As i heard screeching of tires and the involuntary gasps from my co passengers, my body felt those ominous vibrations passing through my limbs, it was just a matter of fact that i was waiting for a heavy load to bump me off..........It didnt happen though....i slowly gathered myself and dared to open my eyes.... vehicle was still stirring and so was i..... i was saved....only by inches....
I am a natural worrier so i had to wonder what if...................and a long trail of questions emitted from my brains......in similar fashion as an able magician pulls out a chain of handkerchiefs from his pockets......the only difference here was the color.....my thoughts were blazing dark in the wake of the accident which could have killed me.....but it didnt!!
what if i had died on the spot???????????????????
"we will observe 2 minutes of silence for our valuable 'resource' which is no longer with us " my company HR would pronounce (shit!! where do i find another "resource" for her replacement now??? couldnt she die when she was on bench.....***** )
meanwhile a gal 'resource' and a guy 'resource' are taking advantage of the "two free minutes" and checking each other out.......standing in a secluded corner, their fingers intertwined......they bless my soul....*feels good*
my PM had hurriedly checked if i had finished my earlier tasks....my co-dependent colleagues would check if i have checked in all my documents back in VSS.....meanwhile my TL is cursing me hell cause she will have to train the new 'resource' now.....how sad and unfair!!! why do people die so fallaciously....
my other colleagues who eventually turned my friends despite of my rudeness, frankness, high headiness etc etc are still numb not to find me there at my desk, typing feverishly as if keyboard keys were my clients....hitting them as bad as i can for the sheer dumbness their US soil thrust upon them ....
they wouldnt observe Two minutes of silence....the best reward a 'resource' can expect posthumously....cause they know me...they know silence was not what i liked when i was around them....
silence was reserved only when i was brooding, when i was not my own self.....
One of them is cursing himself for shouting at me the other day to keep my Pod on minimum possible decibels cause he was getting irritated by the buzzing sound emanating from my headphones......now thats gone.....the buzz is replaced by numb silence..so uncharacteristically me......there isnt anyone else who would listen music like i did.
The other one stared at the blank computer screen ahead of him.........i had requested him to write a testimonial for me....which he couldnt and now he will never be able to.....he gingerly clicked on the 'Scraps'....all the Wanna be my frendzzzz scraps were replaced by mourning words.......
one of my snaps glared at him.... he turned his head to look away......
will that one moment when i am no more can bless me the much wanted feeling of being wanted by others???? so very opposite to when i was alive to cry for those who didnt care two hoots for me....and to dump those who cared for no one except me....
as i wonder very often, will my worth be known to all once i am departed permanently never to come back......and well, vice versa????
there had been times when i was downright rude cause i took offense to things i shouldnt have....
there had been times when i was at my uncooperative best cause i had difficulty....
i was cranky and upset, without caring for their mood or happiness, i had snapped at them ruthlessly....
and still i was expecting them to miss me......what for??? i dont know......
u dont miss a person like this!!!! you dont feel half hearted after not finding such a person around.....deep down u are relieved and i dont want people to feel relieved of their burden when i am gone....
i want them to feel sad, even if its for a moment....
i want them to question God for what fate he chose for me.....
i want that silence coming from within....than just for the sake of observing it.....
and for all this, i have to be good, honestly good and not the diplomatic version of mine......
well, will try........
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