The Matrimonial Meetings - Dos and Donts

"Are you a virgin?" Asked the guy without batting an eyelid. 10 minutes into the discussion, this was hardly a question I was anticipating. My face, otherwise poker could not remain so. Took me a fraction of second to compose myself. I looked on, expecting him to retract his question upon seeing the reproach on my face. His anxiety seemed to be increasing by second as I remained silent. Finally I had to say something. So I smiled and said,

"I am if you are."

Suddenly color drained from his face. He looked sheepish and averted his eyes. The rest of the discussion was a formality we both knew that had no meaning. Normally I do but this time I did not hide my impatience. Soon, I was out on my way back to office. I couldn't waste my precious lunch hour on a guy that couldn't digest an honest answer. For him, I was a feminist - someone you would clap for as long as the podium wasnt inside your home. There was no follow up on that meeting thereafter. Even though I knew what the 'verdict' would be, I had mine ready long before I had even left the venue.

"I expect my wife to be a very good cook since my mom is one" He answered. So proud of his mom as if he had taught her how to cook.

I blinked twice and gulped down my now lukewarm coffee.

"No. That's not what I meant when I asked what your expectations are from your wife." I felt alien. Trying to communicate with another that belonged to some other planet.

"I meant in terms of nature, support and 'wavelength'" I explained nonetheless.

He remained mute and looked at me as if I had spoken Farsi. Keeping condescension out of my voice, I explained.

"We don't get married for cooking or cleaning, right? We get married for a companion, someone who can complement our life's choices. Someone that you can share everything with, good bad and ugly. That way?"

I suddenly felt as if I was standing in a conference room explaining something to one of my fresher team-mates.

"Oh.. Yeah.. I mean, Its all usual" He said, completely put off by me. I sympathized with him. I should have known what was 'usual' in wanting to marry a person. My culinary genius was something unusual hence that had to be gotten out of the way.

2 weeks later, his family realized our 'Patrikas' weren't matching. I let out a sigh of relief.


 "It is my mother's wish that our first kid be born in the first year of  marriage." He said blushing. I waited for my dark cheeks to resemble any suitable color on red pallet. It didn't happen. I cursed my own 'Blush system' that didn't work when it should. It responded - 'The first meeting with a stranger is not the time to discuss kids hence no blush, sorry' Huh!

He might have sensed this little dialogue happening in my head so he explained.

"Its a tradition. That way, no one gets any chance to question the compatibility of couple".

By compatibility he really meant 'his manhood'. I let it pass but he expected an answer. That was the catch.

"umm... I do function like a lady however I wouldn't think myself as accomplished in the matter as to set a deadline for a function as complex as baby making. Sorry"

Did he register the not-so-subtle sarcastic tone? I didn't know as I feigned receiving a work related SMS which meant our discussion stopped right then and there. I was running as fast as I could. Production system in my office be damned but I can not fathom discussing your reproductive system with someone you just met. Sorry if that seemed a little rude.


"So whats your job profile?" He asked glancing at his watch the fourteenth time in last 10 minutes.

"I am Quality Assurance Lead." I said feeling no need to explain it any further as I sat across a TL in IT industry.

"Oh Testing... hmmm so why didn't you choose Development instead?" I inhaled deeply. This was going to take time. Very unfortunately I was discussing my future with someone who underestimated my work.

"I didn't think I had the logical brain required for Development so... " He interrupted me with a smirk I normally wipe off in my office with very detailed Defect Sheets. Those developers know better than to flash it to me. He did not.

"So you chose the second best... testing" He said with a tone obviously more superior.

By then I was fuming and yet I said very calmly.

"No. So I chose what complements Development and provides the last word on it" superior be damned!

Next 20 excruciating minutes were spent in Development vs Testing feud and I desperately needed an out.

"So can you find any defect in me?" He asked again with a challenging tone that I hate coming from someone so biased & poorly updated on life.

"We Testers find defects in an application that's completely developed. You on the other hand lack this requirement. You need to grow up a little and may be some day we will meet again & then I can give you a very comprehensive list of defects"

He was taken aback. I wasn't too surprised and I could really care less.

I guess, I need not write about what happened to this 'match'.


         These are only a few conversations that take the cake. Not that all guys turned out to be wackos but most did and as I met more and more of these, my hopes in finding Mr.Right (not Perfect) were pushed down the drain. My parents will not stop their efforts any time soon so I will have to suffer many more of such meetings in coming future but it does make me wonder if there should be a guide of Dos and Don'ts for these meetings as well... something that would save a lot of embarrassment for both the parties involved. So here is what I would present from my side.

* I am a girl. Well educated & with my own very distinct personality. If you are not ready to listen to my ideas & opinions, please don't show up. I would respect my husband provided he respects me just as much. Who takes the lead in the marriage is a stupid point to mull over.

* Do NOT in your wildest dream think about underestimating my job. I have spent a significant part of life preparing for it and even now, it matters a lot to me. Whether or not I would like to continue with it after babies, please leave that decision to me. I respect all jobs cause every job has its function of running a home, of providing for your retired elderly, of shaping up the future of your little ones and hence no job is small or big. If i am a tester at work, I am not so at home. If you dare to ask me defects in you, be ready to listen to them. If you feel offended, you asked for it!

* My virginity is NOT open for discussion & interpretation. I am pretty old fashioned and by that being unmarried automatically makes me a virgin but I would not answer it so politely. If at all this topic is of so utmost importance to you, please be open to discuss yours as well. Dont be tongue-tied if I ask you the same question in return.

* I have had my share of crushes. I wasn't going around blindfolded all these years. If there was someone worth falling for, I might have day dreamed about him. If you are so delusional as to think you would be my first crush ever, I wouldn't marry such delusional guy ever! Pyar ek baar hi hota hai aur shadi bhi ek bar hi hoti hai happens only in movies. I wont ask you about your past. At least not in the first meeting. And as long as your past doesn't feature in your present and future, I will not have any problems with it whatsoever.

* Dont expect me to possess dual personality. If I am a tough cookie at work, I will not turn into a domicile cow upon returning home. That part of my personality, now after 28 years is fully developed. I would want my husband to take pride in my confident demeanor instead of feeling threatened. If you find confidence in a female intimidating, we are certainly not meant for each other.

* You do NOT get married to cook meals and take care of parents or for their happiness. You get married for your own sake. Do not drag poor parents in between. When i say expectations, I mean in terms of wavelength and as an intellectual. I mean it in terms of someone with whom you can be as comfortable as to show your silly side without the fear of getting judged. Household chores and domestic responsibility is understood even without saying it. It will be taken care of but that will not be the 'need' or 'motive' behind marrying a person.

* I will take care of your parents. That goes without saying. My confidence and what I do at work has nothing to do with how I behave with elderly. You must give that credit to my parents for bringing me up correctly. Do not enter a relationship with notions derived from Kekta Kapoor's daily soaps. Not all daughter-in-laws are wickedly cruel and after their mom-in-law's life and vice a versa. You talk for yourself. No need to state your clauses of not wanting to separate from your parents. Its mere mention shows how shallow you consider of the person you are supposedly thinking of marrying.

* For goodness's sake, stop bird watching! Girls are blessed with a sixth sense that is further fine tuned while selecting a mate! Do look around. (If you stare at me, thats creepy too) but do not ogle at other girls. Nothing screams cheap as loudly as this one act.

* Do turn on your sense of humor before we meet. I want someone thats sincere which does not translate into serious grumpy. If you thought I looked better in the photo, be kind to me & excuse yourself early. Do not sit there stealing glances at your watch, looking utterly bored.

* I have never used Fair & Lovely & have absolutely no intention of ever doing so. I purposely send my photos un-photoshopped so please have a look at it before you come over. I am planning to lose weight but again that has nothing to do with snaring a match. It has to do with my fitness and stamina. It will happen slowly and gradually  but till then I am okay with how I look. If you arent, I am not sorry about that.

* Yes, I am a foodie & I can easily beat a man of my age when it comes to polishing off a plate if the food is that good. If you want a typical girl that gets full on 'Masala Papad' I am deeply sorry to have caused you the inconvenience of seeing that unfeminine side of me!

* Good manners & chivalry go a long way! Do pull the chair for me & offer to pay in the end. Dont worry, I would never have you pick up the tab on your own. We will do TTMM (Tera Tu Mera Mai) and again, dont have that look of horror on your face when I offer to pay my share. I earn just as well as you do and it wont look any 'less' of a man if you let a woman feel independent. You offered in the beginning, that was more than enough.

* Dont talk about kids in the very first meeting & worst of all, dont discuss your future family planning! There is nothing more off putting than this. There is time for everything & first meeting isnt that.

* Do not tell me how much you make every month. Its tacky! What you earn will not weigh you up or down in my opinion. Thats not why I would ever marry you. A man that has a vision and someone who is enterprising in his thoughts would take care of his family in any case. You can show me that confidence & passion in your self. The pay slip doesnt matter. Same is true for how many cars you own or flats you have booked! I am not a gold digger in making.

* Do not ask me how much I make every month! That's second subject NOT up for discussion.

* Be who you are. If you are nervous, its cute but that nervousness should not turn you into a bumbling baboon. If you are shy, I understand. There is a very rare kind of charm in meeting someone who is comfortable in their own skin. Do NOT pretend. Its not a contest and its definitely not an ego battle.

* I am NOT super shy. I am reserved but that's not out of shyness. If you wanted someone super shy, chances are more they are not working full time. Full time working girls in industries where their interaction with other guys is a thing of every day, you will not find them hesitant and shy. You may want to go for someone who is ultra protected by family and has had no interaction with opposite sex. Blushing & stealing glances would come but not in the first meeting.

* Above statement does not mean I am besharam either. Modesty is something I value a lot but its more in the manner in which I address people than remaining mute in their presence.

I know a lot of people would disagree with almost all the points written above. Whats wrong in being shy and girl like in front of a guy you would ask? I would say, nothing but how long can I keep being what I am not. Is it not advisable instead to open up as a person - good AND bad and let the other person decide if they liked whats good and can live with whats bad?

All this also does not mean I dont want to adjust. I do. I have seen from near and far a lot of couples and adjustment is everywhere but I would hate to make it a compromise. There is a difference. When you say, you compromise, there is an unwillingness attached to it. Adjustment on the other hand also means letting go but there is willingness. There is something you have found so priceless in your partner that you dont mind tweaking yourself a little. Adjustment is a two way traffic. It will come automatically once I start to respect and trust you but again it wont happen in first meeting.

I would want to know about how your life has been so far. Was there struggle? I would love to hear that. Tell me about your job and your family. Those insights will help me understand how much you value them and learn to value them myself. Ask me about my job and family. Be polite. I can certainly live without getting married to you. What we are aiming for is a union of equals. None of us are doing a favor to another.

In the end, do remember that wedding is the most easiest part. What is time and effort consuming is, is the marriage that follows.


  1. Soul sister!!!! This is what I talk about! As I say in simple words...if u r classy u will do/not do whats mentioned in the blog. If not I aint marrying u! :))

    PS: He is out there. You will find him soon :(

  2. Oops! That was supposed to be a happy smiley :)

  3. Beautifully written...n reminds me of the time when I was looking for a match...I remember one guy's father had asked me whether my engineering college had a building!!!...But for sure he is out will find him soon :)

  4. Thanks Desertdew and Moumita..

    You could take him to our college.. we not only have a building but a pond as well.. ;)

  5. Hi,

    Very well written n tats what I have been facing from last 1.5yrs. Meeting guys spending time to make them understand who ur what u want blah blah .... endless list.
    It is so damn irritating.
    The blood boiling answer I got from a guy was lets date to 7-8months so that we can check our compatibility then we will think abt settling down .. wish I cld break his head .. my values doesn't allow me to do this n I just let it go by giving him a weird look.

    Ofcourse I do wish to settle down 've my own family house understanding partner ... but don't know when the search for the right person will come to an end.


    1. Sakshi,
      I wish you all the best! I know how bad you feel when a supposedly well educated guy turns out to be a complete idiot!
      but i have decided to take this with a pinch of salt.. really. I keep my expectations low.. that helps :)


    2. Hi Himali,

      Earlier I use to get irritated but now m quite use of all this ... moreover everything comes with a twist .. so m enjoying tat twist n take on the life d way it comes .... hoping that future n my destiny must b having something Gud for me in store. If am waiting surely my better half is also waiting ..

      Wish you get loads of love happiness n success in d coming years .. keep d spirit alive cheers :-):-)

  6. It's cool to read from the perspective on the other side of the fence and it's really cool to read from the point of view of someone who's not being rude but just being themself. From a guy who is possibly going to be going through this in the coming months (after the mother returns from the motherland) I sincerely hope I can meet someone like you. Good luck and all the best.


    1. Siddharth,

      All the best & hope you dont have to go through too many of such meetings.. would love to hear what questions embarrass guys ;)


  7. He looked sheepish and averted his eyes. The rest of the discussion was a formality we both knew that had no meaning. Normally I do but this time I did not hide my impatience.